What I've learned from my Nephews (so far)

They have boundless energy and a zest for life.

when they are mad they get mad....and then it's done.

They are sneaky.

They love to laugh.

They are stubborn. My four year old nephew will say, "Me want ketchup" and I will correct him and say, "No Mylan. It's I want ketchup." And he'll just smile and be silent. He knows what to say. He just doesn't want to say it.

They are competitive. They love playing games.

They speak English and French and a little Spanish. They have had experiences most kids will not have in a lifetime.

They are fearless.

They live full days of wonder, adventure, boredom, pain, heartache, laughter.

I am so inspired by them right now.

They tire me out. I have to take a nap when I am do and all I hear is, "Wake up Tito Mark! Wake up Tito Mark!" for half an hour.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand how my older sister, Anna does it. I am in awe of her.

My love for them is bigger than I imagined.

Thank you Fran, for capturing this moment on film.

Love and Dating: Sex and the Single Life

This morning I was writing in my journal about how I went onto facebook the other night and saw that one of my fb friends who's a guy and gay is engaged. Being the stalker that I am I looked at his fiance's profile page and I felt a slight tinge in my stomach. In the photo I see that he is blonde, probably dutch or something, the perfect blend of sophistication and maturity yet eternally youthful. He had other photos (yes, I looked at the other photos, stop judging!) of him holding a friend's baby, hanging out with his family, looking relaxed, well mannered and well, perfect.

And I know they're just pictures and I don't know the guy and maybe he has disgusting habits and issues like everybody else but my little voice couldn't help but say, "Why not me?" Why am I not engaged to an impossibly gorgeous, white, blonde, upper middle class, european man-boy who probably has more brains and more money than I will ever have?

It's a slippery slope isn't it? These little jabbing questions that quickly puncture you into a dark abyss of shame and self-loathing. And it's all a crazy tapestry of past insecurities that creates the overall image. That hot dutch guy basically represents everything I am not nor will I ever be; white and blonde. There are deeper issues at work there for sure.

We always want what we can't have. I've heard it before. What gets me is, why don't I think I can have that? Why don't I feel I deserve that? Or maybe that's just it, maybe I walk around feeling I am entitled to somebody who my impossible standards and that entitlement keeps me separate from everybody else or worse, thinking I am better than anybody else. I mean seriously, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who thinks he's better than you?

Bottom line, there are so many questions that will remain unresolved and what's going on with me right now is that I'm just not seeing the spark in anyone. And I am frustrated, resigned, alone and defeated by the whole thing. That's the ugly truth of it. I see these happy couples on facebook and I think, "There has got to be something wrong with me that I am not seeing anyone right now." And you know how that vicious circle goes. The more I resist, the more it persists. Is it bad to be single? Does that mean anything? The older I get, the more uncomfortable I feel about my single status. But is that real or is it something I create in my head?

I saw that blonde boy and one of the first thoughts I entertained was, "well it's settled then I have to move." I mean it's obvious right? I haven't found a boyfriend in Montreal and I have been here for three years. There aren't any blonde boys here for me and obviously there's just a gaggle of them in Europe just waiting for a guy like me so naturally I must move to Stockholm. I am in the wrong place, I am not where I am supposed to be. And the shame spiral continues.

The truth is I cannot be anywhere else than where I am right now. And write now I am writing my blog. And later on I'll be teaching my first Zumba class, and after that I will be downloading and burning CDs and after that I will be making phone calls and after that I am going to the Restaurant where I will be DJing tomorrow and after that I will be going to check out more clubs and after that I may go to a movie and after that I will go to bed. That is where I am. That is my life.

I'm turning thirty four next month. No man, just me, writing in my journal and living my life. "Bravo, Mark, you're officially Carrie Bradshaw."

I don't know. I've been living inside of these principles that I can create my future, that I build a structure around my goals and what is important to me, that to achieve my dreams I must stay the course and remain vigilante. Love and relationships are a bit of a mystery. I don't know how to build a structure around that. And am I really building a structure or am I just building a wall?

My life has taken on new dimensions in the last couple of months. So many little changes that could have huge impacts. I've been dabbling with the idea of Being Enough. That there's nothing for me to tweak, or augment or change. That I am perfectly enough as I am, for anything and anybody. He's out there. And when I find him there will be no competing, no feeling superior or less than. It will be a partnership. And with any luck, he may just be a blonde man-boy from Denmark.

What would it be like to bring Buddah consciousness to dating? Instead of feeling a sense of urgency, we would be fascinated by the process of meeting and and getting to know new people. Compassion, care and kindness for others would supercede “getting someone to be with us”. And we would never try to control another person. We wouldn’t put others on a pedestal, nor would we set them below us, We’d remember that on a spiritual path, the purpose of any relationship is to wake up and get to know ourselves and our lover, thoroughly without judgment or pride. On the spiritual path, we enter into a shared union where we cherish and give to each other, expanding our ability to love unconditionally. We would also accept that the process can be awkward, unpredictable, challenging and surprising.

some ugly truths about me....

I am a Drama Queen

It's typical really. Sometimes I have my big gay blow outs and cry and whine and stuff. I get all emotional over spilled milk. It happens. But lately I've noticed it can be a bit more melodramatic than that. I'm like a Soap Opera Drama Queen. I'm Susan Lucci. My life is just SO important and I'm weighed down by my sheer existence and I am really, really, the ONLY person on this planet that is going through these terrible hardships. I like to play victim. I'm addicted to it. That's my gig and I'm good at it. Like I said, it's subtle at times but it's there. She'll rear her ugly head a few times a day. I'm not proud of that.

I like Porn

I mean probably not more than any average guy or girl, gay or straight, my age, but I'm in the middle of a month long trial of not looking at porn. I just want to see how addicted to it I actually am. I'm not a man of many vices. I don't like to drink and I hardly ever do drugs anymore. If I were to name one true vice it would be coffee. But porn is something that was taking up quite a bit of my day. I have been late for work more than once looking at porn. I have nothing against porn. It fills a fundamental, primal need. But I've just been curious to see how much porn actually controls me. So I've stopped cold turkey. So far I have replaced my need for porn by watching a lot of online movies. It's a bit disgusting actually. I've probably watched over ten movies in the last week. Because I haven't been stimulating my brain with pornographic images sadly I feel my sex drive has gotten way low. I now think there must be something wrong with me. That's when the Drama Queen comes in. Read above.

I have a constant dissatisfcation with my Life

These are ugly truths not pretty ones. I am not proud of this. Why? Because as I get a little older I can't understand why anyone in his right mind would choose to be dissatisfied with his life. I mean, no wonder it takes me forever to get out of bed some mornings. It's this constant need for MORE. Wanting more is good. It drives ambition, it produces actions, it brings meaning. But I think it's about time I be responsible for that and keep it in check. It's the difference between commitment and attachment. I may be committed to having things (and let's face it, they're usually things; more objects and trinkets and gadgets) but as long as I have an attachment to them, every time I don't possess those things I quickly become less than, mediocre and frustrated. Do I really want to waste my day being those things? I mean, does that really contribute in any way to this planet or my well being?

I am a lazy mother fucker

I am. I can't help it. I just am. If I could be a rich fuck who has a mansion in Beverly Hills and travels the world to take pictures and spends his days and nights going to functions and spas and galas and fundraisers I say bring it. I'm lazy. Every day I have to listen to my inner child bitch and moan about how he doesn't want to do anything. You think it doesn't require "work" to be writing this blog today? When was the last time I shared my thoughts publicly? Two months ago? I have a need to be creative. That's a truth. But if my ego had a choice between being creative and being paid to lie in bed in my sweatpants watching porn and movies, drinking coffee all day believe me, I would be in bed right now. Ugly truth people.

I'm obsessed with Teen Heartthrobs

That's not exactly the truth but I will do my best to explain. And I am aware that as I get older that statement gets creepier and creepier. Like I'm not obsessed with Justin Bieber. I am patriotic so I do love it when Canadians do well South of the border or globally. But my obsession right now is for Zac Efron.

Here's the thing. I have realized that ever since I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a popular, white boy. There's got to be a term for this type of particular disease. I am certain John Hughes has something to do with it. The thing is I will never be white. The sooner I surrender that fantasy the better off I will be. When I look at Zac Efron I just think he posseses the ease and the effortless sense of cool I have always desired. It's all shades of wrong to waste my time being obsessed with someone like that. But there you have it. That's my ego in full effect. There's more ugly to be examined certainly. But those are the main ones that are out in the forefront right now.

Transition

I've been feeling a twinge of hope these days. My goal is to work a 30 hour work week. Right now I'm pretty much working half that. Half the work, half the pay. It's pretty self-explanatory I think. What's been difficult is the amount of guilt I put on myself. The other day I was talking to my sister about it and I was starting to wonder if there was something fundamentally wrong. Like I was some sort of total moron for not being able to handle my finances. Finally she said, "Mark, you're no different than so many people I know, including myself. The only difference is I know what I make each week and it's consistent." And she's right. I need to work more. Right now I have 3 to 4 shifts a week at the restaurant and that's no longer enough. So I've been out looking and I am confident something will blossom.

DJ-wise I have been totally defeated. I don't have anything solid at the moment and it gives me too much time to think and doubt that I can make it. Still, I have a gig at the end of the month and then a few in April (though they're in Laval and I have no idea how I am going to get there!)

My life feels a little crazy at the moment. I have no idea how the pieces are all going to come together. I've been really serious too this past month. I don't know what it is about Winter and February/March but I am not a happy camper. Maybe it's time to seriously consider living somewhere warm for the rest of my life. Maybe Sydney or New Zealand. Lately my mind has been thinking about California and San Diego. I need a beach!

Anyway, that's where I am at right now. It's not pretty I know. But I hope my honesty is some form of inspiration. I really do feel I am at the cusp of something though I don't know what yet. And even though I have some loose structures in place and some goals in mind I have to remember that life truly is one big adventure. Might as well have some fun while I'm on this crazy roller coaster right?

drowning....

I'm awake but I'm not. My life has taken on some sort of surreal nightmare. I wake up and my whole body aches. It longs for something different. It longs to be elsewhere. I know that I am blessed. I know it. I am surrounded by my family. I live a good life in so many ways. Yet I can't shake this feeling that I have done something terribly wrong. I wake up and the little victim in me cries out, "why me? What have I done to deserve this?"

The Bank froze my account. I tried to take out forty dollars last night and it says that my account is restricted. For the last week a woman named Joyce at my bank has been trying to reach me. I have been avoiding her. I have been avoiding her, I have been avoiding my life. How far down the rabbit hole do I need to go before I see light at the end of the tunnel?

My dance career has failed. My theatre career has failed. The shifts I have as a busboy can't even pay my rent at times. The tips I make barely get me through the week.

I am frustrated, alone, isolated. Suffocating. And I am ashamed. I feel like I have nowhere to turn. A new life is in order. A new career perhaps. A new dream. But how? and with what money? I've created a world of debt. I get that I am responsible for that. Now how to I create a world of wealth? How do I turn this around?

My body aches. I have a cold. I can barely drag myself out of bed. The sun is out and spring is around the corner. People are getting happier. Yet I don't feel the sun on my face. I'm terrified of the world around me. I'm lost. Sometime ago things made a little more sense. But you can't take back time. And the future awaits.

Life is all about choice. And I can go on feeling alone, desperate and scared or I can believe in myself and believe in me. I cannot say I have the answers, man I wish I did. But until I do, I will continue to get out of bed and do what needs to be done. And I will breathe. I will breathe.

early morning...

it's so quiet this morning. The last few weeks I've struggled to find meaning in my life. I'm sorry if it sounds dramatic. I keep hoping that I'll wake up and something will be different but it's been a variation on groundhog day for quite some time now. I'm drained. I find myself in a familiar place; defeated, resigned, frustrated, alone. I can't shake it. No matter how strong I pretend to be. I should get a gold star just for getting out of bed these days.

Perhaps I am clinically depressed though I have convinced myself that I am a hypochondriac so I am constantly worried that I am sick. But what is my body telling me with all my aches and pains, the sniffles, the soar throat? What am I not listening to?

The ugly truth of it is I am bankrupt. Not only financially but spiritually, emotionally. I have unraveled to the point where I am unrecognizable to myself. My goals and dreams don't anchor me like they used to. I'm a ship with no compass, wandering aimlessly yet always ending at the same place.

Sometimes when I let the loneliness pervade me I search the dark corners of my mind and think, "Where did I go wrong? I'm a good person who's made some bad choices. Who hasn't? What should I have done differently?" And then I wake up and find myself back at the grocery store, back to reality.

I imagine myself, living a life free from the burden of anxiety and worry. I live by the ocean, I am have boyfriend who loves me and that I love back. I have complete financial freedom, I travel when I want and I am healthy and happy.

I want to be everywhere except for where I am right now. I want to be living someone else's fabulous life except my own. I am a man in search of beauty and inspiration. And when I encounter someone who is an expression of that I crave it for myself because I miss that feeling of knowing what it means to live with a Passion in your life. I look inside and I sense the emptiness. And I have no idea what to fill it with....yet.