drowning....

I'm awake but I'm not. My life has taken on some sort of surreal nightmare. I wake up and my whole body aches. It longs for something different. It longs to be elsewhere. I know that I am blessed. I know it. I am surrounded by my family. I live a good life in so many ways. Yet I can't shake this feeling that I have done something terribly wrong. I wake up and the little victim in me cries out, "why me? What have I done to deserve this?"

The Bank froze my account. I tried to take out forty dollars last night and it says that my account is restricted. For the last week a woman named Joyce at my bank has been trying to reach me. I have been avoiding her. I have been avoiding her, I have been avoiding my life. How far down the rabbit hole do I need to go before I see light at the end of the tunnel?

My dance career has failed. My theatre career has failed. The shifts I have as a busboy can't even pay my rent at times. The tips I make barely get me through the week.

I am frustrated, alone, isolated. Suffocating. And I am ashamed. I feel like I have nowhere to turn. A new life is in order. A new career perhaps. A new dream. But how? and with what money? I've created a world of debt. I get that I am responsible for that. Now how to I create a world of wealth? How do I turn this around?

My body aches. I have a cold. I can barely drag myself out of bed. The sun is out and spring is around the corner. People are getting happier. Yet I don't feel the sun on my face. I'm terrified of the world around me. I'm lost. Sometime ago things made a little more sense. But you can't take back time. And the future awaits.

Life is all about choice. And I can go on feeling alone, desperate and scared or I can believe in myself and believe in me. I cannot say I have the answers, man I wish I did. But until I do, I will continue to get out of bed and do what needs to be done. And I will breathe. I will breathe.