it's so quiet this morning. The last few weeks I've struggled to find meaning in my life. I'm sorry if it sounds dramatic. I keep hoping that I'll wake up and something will be different but it's been a variation on groundhog day for quite some time now. I'm drained. I find myself in a familiar place; defeated, resigned, frustrated, alone. I can't shake it. No matter how strong I pretend to be. I should get a gold star just for getting out of bed these days.
Perhaps I am clinically depressed though I have convinced myself that I am a hypochondriac so I am constantly worried that I am sick. But what is my body telling me with all my aches and pains, the sniffles, the soar throat? What am I not listening to?
The ugly truth of it is I am bankrupt. Not only financially but spiritually, emotionally. I have unraveled to the point where I am unrecognizable to myself. My goals and dreams don't anchor me like they used to. I'm a ship with no compass, wandering aimlessly yet always ending at the same place.
Sometimes when I let the loneliness pervade me I search the dark corners of my mind and think, "Where did I go wrong? I'm a good person who's made some bad choices. Who hasn't? What should I have done differently?" And then I wake up and find myself back at the grocery store, back to reality.
I imagine myself, living a life free from the burden of anxiety and worry. I live by the ocean, I am have boyfriend who loves me and that I love back. I have complete financial freedom, I travel when I want and I am healthy and happy.
I want to be everywhere except for where I am right now. I want to be living someone else's fabulous life except my own. I am a man in search of beauty and inspiration. And when I encounter someone who is an expression of that I crave it for myself because I miss that feeling of knowing what it means to live with a Passion in your life. I look inside and I sense the emptiness. And I have no idea what to fill it with....yet.
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