Love and Dating: Sex and the Single Life

This morning I was writing in my journal about how I went onto facebook the other night and saw that one of my fb friends who's a guy and gay is engaged. Being the stalker that I am I looked at his fiance's profile page and I felt a slight tinge in my stomach. In the photo I see that he is blonde, probably dutch or something, the perfect blend of sophistication and maturity yet eternally youthful. He had other photos (yes, I looked at the other photos, stop judging!) of him holding a friend's baby, hanging out with his family, looking relaxed, well mannered and well, perfect.

And I know they're just pictures and I don't know the guy and maybe he has disgusting habits and issues like everybody else but my little voice couldn't help but say, "Why not me?" Why am I not engaged to an impossibly gorgeous, white, blonde, upper middle class, european man-boy who probably has more brains and more money than I will ever have?

It's a slippery slope isn't it? These little jabbing questions that quickly puncture you into a dark abyss of shame and self-loathing. And it's all a crazy tapestry of past insecurities that creates the overall image. That hot dutch guy basically represents everything I am not nor will I ever be; white and blonde. There are deeper issues at work there for sure.

We always want what we can't have. I've heard it before. What gets me is, why don't I think I can have that? Why don't I feel I deserve that? Or maybe that's just it, maybe I walk around feeling I am entitled to somebody who my impossible standards and that entitlement keeps me separate from everybody else or worse, thinking I am better than anybody else. I mean seriously, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who thinks he's better than you?

Bottom line, there are so many questions that will remain unresolved and what's going on with me right now is that I'm just not seeing the spark in anyone. And I am frustrated, resigned, alone and defeated by the whole thing. That's the ugly truth of it. I see these happy couples on facebook and I think, "There has got to be something wrong with me that I am not seeing anyone right now." And you know how that vicious circle goes. The more I resist, the more it persists. Is it bad to be single? Does that mean anything? The older I get, the more uncomfortable I feel about my single status. But is that real or is it something I create in my head?

I saw that blonde boy and one of the first thoughts I entertained was, "well it's settled then I have to move." I mean it's obvious right? I haven't found a boyfriend in Montreal and I have been here for three years. There aren't any blonde boys here for me and obviously there's just a gaggle of them in Europe just waiting for a guy like me so naturally I must move to Stockholm. I am in the wrong place, I am not where I am supposed to be. And the shame spiral continues.

The truth is I cannot be anywhere else than where I am right now. And write now I am writing my blog. And later on I'll be teaching my first Zumba class, and after that I will be downloading and burning CDs and after that I will be making phone calls and after that I am going to the Restaurant where I will be DJing tomorrow and after that I will be going to check out more clubs and after that I may go to a movie and after that I will go to bed. That is where I am. That is my life.

I'm turning thirty four next month. No man, just me, writing in my journal and living my life. "Bravo, Mark, you're officially Carrie Bradshaw."

I don't know. I've been living inside of these principles that I can create my future, that I build a structure around my goals and what is important to me, that to achieve my dreams I must stay the course and remain vigilante. Love and relationships are a bit of a mystery. I don't know how to build a structure around that. And am I really building a structure or am I just building a wall?

My life has taken on new dimensions in the last couple of months. So many little changes that could have huge impacts. I've been dabbling with the idea of Being Enough. That there's nothing for me to tweak, or augment or change. That I am perfectly enough as I am, for anything and anybody. He's out there. And when I find him there will be no competing, no feeling superior or less than. It will be a partnership. And with any luck, he may just be a blonde man-boy from Denmark.

What would it be like to bring Buddah consciousness to dating? Instead of feeling a sense of urgency, we would be fascinated by the process of meeting and and getting to know new people. Compassion, care and kindness for others would supercede “getting someone to be with us”. And we would never try to control another person. We wouldn’t put others on a pedestal, nor would we set them below us, We’d remember that on a spiritual path, the purpose of any relationship is to wake up and get to know ourselves and our lover, thoroughly without judgment or pride. On the spiritual path, we enter into a shared union where we cherish and give to each other, expanding our ability to love unconditionally. We would also accept that the process can be awkward, unpredictable, challenging and surprising.