some ugly truths about me....

I am a Drama Queen

It's typical really. Sometimes I have my big gay blow outs and cry and whine and stuff. I get all emotional over spilled milk. It happens. But lately I've noticed it can be a bit more melodramatic than that. I'm like a Soap Opera Drama Queen. I'm Susan Lucci. My life is just SO important and I'm weighed down by my sheer existence and I am really, really, the ONLY person on this planet that is going through these terrible hardships. I like to play victim. I'm addicted to it. That's my gig and I'm good at it. Like I said, it's subtle at times but it's there. She'll rear her ugly head a few times a day. I'm not proud of that.

I like Porn

I mean probably not more than any average guy or girl, gay or straight, my age, but I'm in the middle of a month long trial of not looking at porn. I just want to see how addicted to it I actually am. I'm not a man of many vices. I don't like to drink and I hardly ever do drugs anymore. If I were to name one true vice it would be coffee. But porn is something that was taking up quite a bit of my day. I have been late for work more than once looking at porn. I have nothing against porn. It fills a fundamental, primal need. But I've just been curious to see how much porn actually controls me. So I've stopped cold turkey. So far I have replaced my need for porn by watching a lot of online movies. It's a bit disgusting actually. I've probably watched over ten movies in the last week. Because I haven't been stimulating my brain with pornographic images sadly I feel my sex drive has gotten way low. I now think there must be something wrong with me. That's when the Drama Queen comes in. Read above.

I have a constant dissatisfcation with my Life

These are ugly truths not pretty ones. I am not proud of this. Why? Because as I get a little older I can't understand why anyone in his right mind would choose to be dissatisfied with his life. I mean, no wonder it takes me forever to get out of bed some mornings. It's this constant need for MORE. Wanting more is good. It drives ambition, it produces actions, it brings meaning. But I think it's about time I be responsible for that and keep it in check. It's the difference between commitment and attachment. I may be committed to having things (and let's face it, they're usually things; more objects and trinkets and gadgets) but as long as I have an attachment to them, every time I don't possess those things I quickly become less than, mediocre and frustrated. Do I really want to waste my day being those things? I mean, does that really contribute in any way to this planet or my well being?

I am a lazy mother fucker

I am. I can't help it. I just am. If I could be a rich fuck who has a mansion in Beverly Hills and travels the world to take pictures and spends his days and nights going to functions and spas and galas and fundraisers I say bring it. I'm lazy. Every day I have to listen to my inner child bitch and moan about how he doesn't want to do anything. You think it doesn't require "work" to be writing this blog today? When was the last time I shared my thoughts publicly? Two months ago? I have a need to be creative. That's a truth. But if my ego had a choice between being creative and being paid to lie in bed in my sweatpants watching porn and movies, drinking coffee all day believe me, I would be in bed right now. Ugly truth people.

I'm obsessed with Teen Heartthrobs

That's not exactly the truth but I will do my best to explain. And I am aware that as I get older that statement gets creepier and creepier. Like I'm not obsessed with Justin Bieber. I am patriotic so I do love it when Canadians do well South of the border or globally. But my obsession right now is for Zac Efron.

Here's the thing. I have realized that ever since I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a popular, white boy. There's got to be a term for this type of particular disease. I am certain John Hughes has something to do with it. The thing is I will never be white. The sooner I surrender that fantasy the better off I will be. When I look at Zac Efron I just think he posseses the ease and the effortless sense of cool I have always desired. It's all shades of wrong to waste my time being obsessed with someone like that. But there you have it. That's my ego in full effect. There's more ugly to be examined certainly. But those are the main ones that are out in the forefront right now.