mid-January check up

Seriously, sometimes I need to stay away from Facebook. Lately when I find myself on there, having to do some Invites or creating Events or what not, I notice that I start to waste my time looking at what everyone is up to in their lives and then I start to get depressed about my own. Jim went to see The King's Speech. Lance is heading to Brazil. Brad got a great DJ gig! I start to worry that I am not very productive at all. These social networks are not always great for the ego.

When I am depressed, everything is up for questioning. Am I not cool enough to be a DJ? Why did she get that gig and not me? Do I suck? Is this the right city for me? Why don't I have more friends? It's endless.

So I'm trying to look at the reality of my situation.

I just got back to work which has been great. I really enjoy teaching Zumba and I am actually surprised I am continually growing as an Instructor. I am constantly curious about how to create a fun and loving space to dance in. It's been really fun.

I'm in the process of finishing a very short story that I am going to read aloud at a Coffee House next weekend. Writing is such a strange creative outlet for me that I am still trying to figure out. I find it so frustrating and draining at times and yet it can be the most rewarding. I'm writing short works of prose about my experiences as a dancer. It will be a mix of things that really happened and also fiction. I find if I stay too close to the "truth" it just blocks me creatively. I want to get to the essence of my experience as opposed to writing a true account of it. My goal is to have something self-published by the end of the Summer (wow, I can't believe I just wrote that down. It's like it is now real, I have officially put it in the Universe).

DJing has been the toughest for me. I just feel like I still am like the biggest loser DJ on the block, trying desperately to be cool. I think I need to bring a space of gratitude to this area because in so many ways I am really fortunate. I am truly a working DJ after all. Not a lot of people can say that and I don't want to seem ungrateful. I just know I still have a ways to go in my vision as a DJ.I really judge myself harshly as a DJ. And as I am writing this I notice how much I crave praise and acknowledgment from other people. It's like I cannot believe that I am a good DJ unless I am spinning at a club with a lot of people in it. Last night I did my regular night at Houston and two people asked for my card. I must be doing something right. I just have to continue to train myself not to listen to that little voice in my head that says I suck all the time.

And I am just starting to date and in the past month I have made new friends. Last week I planned a dinner out and I actually was surrounded by people I haven't known for very long. It's pretty crazy.

So as I am writing this all I can think of is that the Universe is working with me. The Universe is supporting me and wants me to have everything I desire. Things are moving, and they are moving exactly as they should be. But how I choose to see things is up to me :)

what I wrote to M on facebook today.....

Happy 2011 to you too. My Holidays have been a bit wonky too I have to say. I've enjoyed the break in my schedule but it's put a bit of a strain on my finances.

I wasn't spinning but I did go out all night for NYE and hit three parties to support some DJ friends. It's tough admitting this without sounding like a bit of a drama queen but I felt a bit lonely. Surrounded by all these people and good music, I still didn't feel connected somehow. It's like I am still trying to be the cool kid wanting to fit in. Is it possible to be an anti-social DJ? Sort of a strange way to start 2011 ;)

I'm going to see David Morales at Stereo tomorrow night. Maybe that will be the inspiration that I need.

Wishing you health, happiness and abundance. Love you.

xoM

So long 2010....

I've been in a funk the last week or so. It's always such a strange transition to get into the Winter swing of things. The cold gnaws at my bones, the hypochondriac in me constantly is sniffling and the lazy part of me just wants to sit in front of the TV all day and all night. Even today, as I stare outside at the bright blue sky, all I am longing for is the comfort of a quiet, dark movie theatre.

I want to be swept away. My life is moving along but I long for adventure. I am begging for something to break my routine. And yet I cling on to my routine for dear life. Ask me out to something fun and I'll second guess it. These days, my old couch takes precedents over a new club.

I've been having a very Criminal Christmas. My new favourite thing to do is watch TV shows on DVD. The joy of watching any regular show sans commercial is like crack. Last year my sister got the box set of Friends (which has been watched several times over at this point) so this year I have been watching Criminal Minds which is totally terrifying and terrific. I did not realize how disturbing that show actually is until I started to zip through each season. I only have a few more to go. It's a guilty pleasure.

Guilt. Why does guilt have to be associated with pleasure? Why can't pleasure just be, well, pleasurable? Who made that shit up? And why did I believe it? Feeling guilty can take up so much time in one's day. And when you add up all those guilty moments that could be half a life dedicated to feeling really crappy about yourself.

My horoscope said that "this will be our year to supercharge our will power and intensify our ability to carry out our plans - but always with good humour and a highly tuned sense of irony. In fact, on of the best ways to deepen our command over our own unconscious impulses and caprices of fate will be to take ourselves - and everything else, too - less seriously."

Taking myself less seriously. Not only me, but everything else. Can you imagine the freedom in that? And not in a way that things don't matter. But what if I could work hard and play hard and dream big...all a little less seriously? That would be something. That would be an adventure.

"If you start every day burdened by the past, they you're a bundle of conditioned reflexes and nerves constantly being triggered by peple and circumstances into predictable outcomes, like a machine."

Deepak Chopra

November 2010

Time has passed so quickly. Here I am, Tuesday morning, and it is as though the grey outside is seeping into my veins. It's tough to shake the melancholy that I feel. I try not to judge it or make myself wrong. I guess you can call it my Blue Period, like Picasso. But even then he was expressing his creativity right?

It's been such a busy time for me and I am so incredibly grateful for that. My Zumba classes are going well and I am DJing every week. I still cannot believe that this is how I am making a living right now. It is what I wanted.

So the pace of my "work" week has become somewhat frenetic at times and right now I feel like my challenge is to create a balance. I'm finding that I don't have enough leisure time to recharge my batteries so I suffer, become irritable and moody.

I've always struggled with this time of year. We are deep in the trenches of another School year where there are mid-terms and papers and people to please. There are days that I wake up and don't feel up to the task. I feel the need to hibernate. It's come on strong this year. I want to close my eyes and when I wake up, the air is fresh and the snow is thawing and Spring is around the corner. That is not reality though. Better to deal with that, no?

Lately I've been binging on Mad Men. What an incredible series. I am so fascinated by this world, I am completely taken in. It's like looking at the past and seeing how a certain "period" in time dictates the actions and behaviours of individuals toward themselves and others. It is the world that they exist in and that is invented by them that tells them who they are and how they act and yet the Human struggle and search for meaning is something we continue to deal with now. Will someone in the not so distant future create a series about 2010 and what we were living? My role on this planet seems pretty insignificant at times but will it be of interest later on?

September growing pains....

Ouch....I am so sore! My body is in agony right now. Recently I went to the gym to start a new workout program. My friend Dan who used to bartend at Houstons is a Personal Trainer. He totally kicked my ass. My body is not happy. My upper body is so sore it's been keeping me up at night. Still, it's a good sore. I forgot what it feels like to re-mold your body into something else. That's what happens when you are training to be a dancer. The last few days I've been thinking, "Right, no pain, no gain. Now I remember!" It's gonna take some time but I'm excited about this work out program.

My Zumba classes have been amazing. I continue to be inspired the people I get to meet and I love being able to move my body for a living again. Some days I wonder if I've taken on a bit much. It's a bit of a stretch to do two Zumba classes a day. But then I remember what it was like to do eight shows of the Lion King a week and I stop complaining.

Last weekend I spun at Houstons for two very different groups of people. To my right were older guys with lots of money digging the beats. To my left, a bunch of younger kids who were not. I was playing Swedish House Mafia and Kaskade, the younger guys wanted R Kelley. At the end of the night one of the guys at that table came up to me and said, "Yo man, you're going to stay at this Steakhouse, you suck." He might as well have punched me in the stomach. The other table thanked me for a great night. Go figure. I treated myself to a drink and I took a cab home. To get such polarized critiques in one night I thought to myself, "wow...I must be doing something right!"

September

The start of the School Year. This is the time when it feels like it all begins, when things get a little more serious, when people hunker down and get to business. I can't believe what an extraordinary Summer I had.I never thought that I would be in Montreal and enjoying my life the way I am right now. I really do feel grateful and blessed. I have been having a blast teaching Zumba and also DJing at Houstons Steakhouse. I cannot wait and see what adventures await for the Fall.

Brendan is in town which is always great. I always enjoy the time we spend together since he is one of my closest friends. As I get older I feel like it's important to value these friendships. We went tot he movies last night and then I took him to MBrgr to share a dessert Cookie which I had been craving for a while. So yummy!

Today I am hitting the gym with Dan, a personal trainer I met at Houstons. I am nervous! I am really scared that he's just going to break my body in two. I'm just a wuss. I hate being yelled at, cajoled, confronted, coerced, pushed, bullied. I think that is what it is, I think I don't enjoy the feeling of being teased and bullied into things. But I have a goal of putting on twenty pounds by next Summer. I would love thirty but I'll be happy with twenty. I have always been such a skinny guy and I've been talking about gaining muscle forever. The truth is I don't think I can reach this goal on my own. I need help. So I hope Dan will be patient with me.

Other things I want to take on this month:

- Watch two Independent Films. I used to do that a lot in Toronto but I sort of stopped when I got to New York. I think it's something that could really be enriching.

- Cook something new. I tend to eat the same meals on the time. It might help if I had a good, easy cookbook to follow. I just think it might be fun.

- Write more. It's getting better. I write almost every morning in my journal which is cool. I've been struggling with my dance book though because I take myself way to seriously. If I could just structure myself thirty minutes a day that would make a difference.

- Go on a date. I am resisting this for sure! I can't seem to meet anyone in Montreal. But I remain a hopeful romantic. Until then, I will work on my pecs.

writing

I am on a quest to write a book about my experiences as a dancer. In some ways I had a very small and limited Professional Dance career. But it was a rich upbringing and it shapes who I am today; the way I think and the way I live my life. Because of that, I never really felt comfortable with the idea of saying that I have retired. Maybe I do not have a powerful relationship with that word "retired". There is something so final about it.

And for me, my dance career still sort of lingers in my joints and under my skin. I am so hyper aware of how my body moves, how I want my body to move, how it speaks to me through all its aches and pains. When I walk on the street or pass people through a crowded restaurant or the way I give a hug, I always feel like I am dancing in some way. Some of my friends have babies now and I am so fascinated by the way babies hear music or vibrations and how it makes their tiny bodies move. Have you ever tried to mimic how a baby moves? On a good day it's like doing a Master Modern Class. I love it.

Writing a book about growing up as a dancer is a daunting undertaking. It just opens the flood gates to a myriad of experiences, most long forgotten. It also opens the door to many questions and unsolved mysteries about Dance. and it begs the question, "what do I really want to say? What is the message? What is the tone?"

I am not a trained writer. I did not go to school for writing. I did not even go to College. I feel I am ill-equipped to do this because I do not have a piece of paper framed in my room saying that I am certified. I had a funny thought just now because because it took me one day to be a certified Zumba Instructor. That certification (along with my many years as a dancer) makes me a successful business person today. I love teaching Zumba. I was imagining what it would be like to do a one day writing workshop that,at the end of the day, I get a piece of white paper saying that I am a certified writer. wouldn't that be something? What kind of world of possibilities would I open myself up to by just allowing myself to write?

I considered myself a writer once. I was in dance school and I was having a terrible go at it. Writing was the only artistic expression at the time that I felt I had any sort of control in. I loved spending time creating worlds that spilled out of my head and onto the page. And then one day I simply stopped. Maybe dance started to pick up again and I no longer needed it. But I remember thinking that I have no more life experiences to write about (I was sixteen at the time), and until I did, I would just stop. At the age of sixteen I retired from writing.

But I always wrote. I've been writing in a journal all my life. I feel centered when I do. I feel more balanced. I was one of those people who attempted the Artist Way (great book) and I did my morning pages.

But only recently did I discover the power of using this writing tool. It's such a great way to wake up in the morning and just let go of the thoughts that creep into my mind and just fester there. Just like when my body is achy and I tend to it, I need to release my mind of things that take up good space in my brain. It's the spring cleaning of my mind.

So I am looking at the task of writing this dance book. And it appears to be a daunting project. I have used the excuse for so long that I cannot write, that I do not have a voice, that I do not have an agent or a publishing house that will reject me. Another "retired" dance friend just completed his Yoga book and he self-published it through Amazon.com. When he told me that I thought, "Well, now I am in trouble. I've run out of excuses why I cannot write!"

It's amazing the kind of limits we allow ourselves to live inside of as human beings. There is not one person that says I cannot write a book about growing up in a dance school.I have even been asked by some of my dance friends to write one. And what has really been moving for me this Summer is that I am starting to see how irresponsible that is of me. I have a desire and a deep need to express myself through Art and any means of Art available to me. And I suppress myself of this so I can be small, so I don't have to be accountable. And there's nothing wrong with that. But what if I am simply robbing myself of the experience of being alive? What's the harm of trying and failing? At least I could say I did it.

One could say I failed as a Professional Dancer. I don't see myself continuing on that path at the moment. It's not impossible but it's not where my life has taken me. And yet I can honestly look back at all I accomplished as a dancer and say to myself, "wow, I really did something there. I really saw a world I had no idea existed before."

I think it's worth writing about. It's time to honour myself as a writer again.