So long 2010....

I've been in a funk the last week or so. It's always such a strange transition to get into the Winter swing of things. The cold gnaws at my bones, the hypochondriac in me constantly is sniffling and the lazy part of me just wants to sit in front of the TV all day and all night. Even today, as I stare outside at the bright blue sky, all I am longing for is the comfort of a quiet, dark movie theatre.

I want to be swept away. My life is moving along but I long for adventure. I am begging for something to break my routine. And yet I cling on to my routine for dear life. Ask me out to something fun and I'll second guess it. These days, my old couch takes precedents over a new club.

I've been having a very Criminal Christmas. My new favourite thing to do is watch TV shows on DVD. The joy of watching any regular show sans commercial is like crack. Last year my sister got the box set of Friends (which has been watched several times over at this point) so this year I have been watching Criminal Minds which is totally terrifying and terrific. I did not realize how disturbing that show actually is until I started to zip through each season. I only have a few more to go. It's a guilty pleasure.

Guilt. Why does guilt have to be associated with pleasure? Why can't pleasure just be, well, pleasurable? Who made that shit up? And why did I believe it? Feeling guilty can take up so much time in one's day. And when you add up all those guilty moments that could be half a life dedicated to feeling really crappy about yourself.

My horoscope said that "this will be our year to supercharge our will power and intensify our ability to carry out our plans - but always with good humour and a highly tuned sense of irony. In fact, on of the best ways to deepen our command over our own unconscious impulses and caprices of fate will be to take ourselves - and everything else, too - less seriously."

Taking myself less seriously. Not only me, but everything else. Can you imagine the freedom in that? And not in a way that things don't matter. But what if I could work hard and play hard and dream big...all a little less seriously? That would be something. That would be an adventure.

"If you start every day burdened by the past, they you're a bundle of conditioned reflexes and nerves constantly being triggered by peple and circumstances into predictable outcomes, like a machine."

Deepak Chopra

November 2010

Time has passed so quickly. Here I am, Tuesday morning, and it is as though the grey outside is seeping into my veins. It's tough to shake the melancholy that I feel. I try not to judge it or make myself wrong. I guess you can call it my Blue Period, like Picasso. But even then he was expressing his creativity right?

It's been such a busy time for me and I am so incredibly grateful for that. My Zumba classes are going well and I am DJing every week. I still cannot believe that this is how I am making a living right now. It is what I wanted.

So the pace of my "work" week has become somewhat frenetic at times and right now I feel like my challenge is to create a balance. I'm finding that I don't have enough leisure time to recharge my batteries so I suffer, become irritable and moody.

I've always struggled with this time of year. We are deep in the trenches of another School year where there are mid-terms and papers and people to please. There are days that I wake up and don't feel up to the task. I feel the need to hibernate. It's come on strong this year. I want to close my eyes and when I wake up, the air is fresh and the snow is thawing and Spring is around the corner. That is not reality though. Better to deal with that, no?

Lately I've been binging on Mad Men. What an incredible series. I am so fascinated by this world, I am completely taken in. It's like looking at the past and seeing how a certain "period" in time dictates the actions and behaviours of individuals toward themselves and others. It is the world that they exist in and that is invented by them that tells them who they are and how they act and yet the Human struggle and search for meaning is something we continue to deal with now. Will someone in the not so distant future create a series about 2010 and what we were living? My role on this planet seems pretty insignificant at times but will it be of interest later on?

September growing pains....

Ouch....I am so sore! My body is in agony right now. Recently I went to the gym to start a new workout program. My friend Dan who used to bartend at Houstons is a Personal Trainer. He totally kicked my ass. My body is not happy. My upper body is so sore it's been keeping me up at night. Still, it's a good sore. I forgot what it feels like to re-mold your body into something else. That's what happens when you are training to be a dancer. The last few days I've been thinking, "Right, no pain, no gain. Now I remember!" It's gonna take some time but I'm excited about this work out program.

My Zumba classes have been amazing. I continue to be inspired the people I get to meet and I love being able to move my body for a living again. Some days I wonder if I've taken on a bit much. It's a bit of a stretch to do two Zumba classes a day. But then I remember what it was like to do eight shows of the Lion King a week and I stop complaining.

Last weekend I spun at Houstons for two very different groups of people. To my right were older guys with lots of money digging the beats. To my left, a bunch of younger kids who were not. I was playing Swedish House Mafia and Kaskade, the younger guys wanted R Kelley. At the end of the night one of the guys at that table came up to me and said, "Yo man, you're going to stay at this Steakhouse, you suck." He might as well have punched me in the stomach. The other table thanked me for a great night. Go figure. I treated myself to a drink and I took a cab home. To get such polarized critiques in one night I thought to myself, "wow...I must be doing something right!"

September

The start of the School Year. This is the time when it feels like it all begins, when things get a little more serious, when people hunker down and get to business. I can't believe what an extraordinary Summer I had.I never thought that I would be in Montreal and enjoying my life the way I am right now. I really do feel grateful and blessed. I have been having a blast teaching Zumba and also DJing at Houstons Steakhouse. I cannot wait and see what adventures await for the Fall.

Brendan is in town which is always great. I always enjoy the time we spend together since he is one of my closest friends. As I get older I feel like it's important to value these friendships. We went tot he movies last night and then I took him to MBrgr to share a dessert Cookie which I had been craving for a while. So yummy!

Today I am hitting the gym with Dan, a personal trainer I met at Houstons. I am nervous! I am really scared that he's just going to break my body in two. I'm just a wuss. I hate being yelled at, cajoled, confronted, coerced, pushed, bullied. I think that is what it is, I think I don't enjoy the feeling of being teased and bullied into things. But I have a goal of putting on twenty pounds by next Summer. I would love thirty but I'll be happy with twenty. I have always been such a skinny guy and I've been talking about gaining muscle forever. The truth is I don't think I can reach this goal on my own. I need help. So I hope Dan will be patient with me.

Other things I want to take on this month:

- Watch two Independent Films. I used to do that a lot in Toronto but I sort of stopped when I got to New York. I think it's something that could really be enriching.

- Cook something new. I tend to eat the same meals on the time. It might help if I had a good, easy cookbook to follow. I just think it might be fun.

- Write more. It's getting better. I write almost every morning in my journal which is cool. I've been struggling with my dance book though because I take myself way to seriously. If I could just structure myself thirty minutes a day that would make a difference.

- Go on a date. I am resisting this for sure! I can't seem to meet anyone in Montreal. But I remain a hopeful romantic. Until then, I will work on my pecs.

writing

I am on a quest to write a book about my experiences as a dancer. In some ways I had a very small and limited Professional Dance career. But it was a rich upbringing and it shapes who I am today; the way I think and the way I live my life. Because of that, I never really felt comfortable with the idea of saying that I have retired. Maybe I do not have a powerful relationship with that word "retired". There is something so final about it.

And for me, my dance career still sort of lingers in my joints and under my skin. I am so hyper aware of how my body moves, how I want my body to move, how it speaks to me through all its aches and pains. When I walk on the street or pass people through a crowded restaurant or the way I give a hug, I always feel like I am dancing in some way. Some of my friends have babies now and I am so fascinated by the way babies hear music or vibrations and how it makes their tiny bodies move. Have you ever tried to mimic how a baby moves? On a good day it's like doing a Master Modern Class. I love it.

Writing a book about growing up as a dancer is a daunting undertaking. It just opens the flood gates to a myriad of experiences, most long forgotten. It also opens the door to many questions and unsolved mysteries about Dance. and it begs the question, "what do I really want to say? What is the message? What is the tone?"

I am not a trained writer. I did not go to school for writing. I did not even go to College. I feel I am ill-equipped to do this because I do not have a piece of paper framed in my room saying that I am certified. I had a funny thought just now because because it took me one day to be a certified Zumba Instructor. That certification (along with my many years as a dancer) makes me a successful business person today. I love teaching Zumba. I was imagining what it would be like to do a one day writing workshop that,at the end of the day, I get a piece of white paper saying that I am a certified writer. wouldn't that be something? What kind of world of possibilities would I open myself up to by just allowing myself to write?

I considered myself a writer once. I was in dance school and I was having a terrible go at it. Writing was the only artistic expression at the time that I felt I had any sort of control in. I loved spending time creating worlds that spilled out of my head and onto the page. And then one day I simply stopped. Maybe dance started to pick up again and I no longer needed it. But I remember thinking that I have no more life experiences to write about (I was sixteen at the time), and until I did, I would just stop. At the age of sixteen I retired from writing.

But I always wrote. I've been writing in a journal all my life. I feel centered when I do. I feel more balanced. I was one of those people who attempted the Artist Way (great book) and I did my morning pages.

But only recently did I discover the power of using this writing tool. It's such a great way to wake up in the morning and just let go of the thoughts that creep into my mind and just fester there. Just like when my body is achy and I tend to it, I need to release my mind of things that take up good space in my brain. It's the spring cleaning of my mind.

So I am looking at the task of writing this dance book. And it appears to be a daunting project. I have used the excuse for so long that I cannot write, that I do not have a voice, that I do not have an agent or a publishing house that will reject me. Another "retired" dance friend just completed his Yoga book and he self-published it through Amazon.com. When he told me that I thought, "Well, now I am in trouble. I've run out of excuses why I cannot write!"

It's amazing the kind of limits we allow ourselves to live inside of as human beings. There is not one person that says I cannot write a book about growing up in a dance school.I have even been asked by some of my dance friends to write one. And what has really been moving for me this Summer is that I am starting to see how irresponsible that is of me. I have a desire and a deep need to express myself through Art and any means of Art available to me. And I suppress myself of this so I can be small, so I don't have to be accountable. And there's nothing wrong with that. But what if I am simply robbing myself of the experience of being alive? What's the harm of trying and failing? At least I could say I did it.

One could say I failed as a Professional Dancer. I don't see myself continuing on that path at the moment. It's not impossible but it's not where my life has taken me. And yet I can honestly look back at all I accomplished as a dancer and say to myself, "wow, I really did something there. I really saw a world I had no idea existed before."

I think it's worth writing about. It's time to honour myself as a writer again.

long time, no write....

I woke up crazy early this morning. I have no idea why. Six o'clock rolled around and my eyes just popped open. I figured I would get up and sort of start my day....

This is my third summer living in Montreal and for the first time since I moved, I feel at home. I went to visit some friends in Toronto for a few days and I had a great time but the minute I got back to Montreal I felt my whole body relax.I still can't quite figure out what it is about Montreal that I like so much. It's not without its ups and downs. But it feels good to be here right now.

Small thing: I've been smiling at strangers lately. Not really in a crazy way or anything, but I was talking with a friend about Australia and how much we enjoyed how friendly they were there, even to strangers. In their culture it's not weird to acknowledge strangers on the street and say hello. There's so many people on this planet, you're bound to make eye contact with someone right?

So I haven't started saying "hello" or "good morning" to strangers yet but I have been playing this little game of smiling at people when I notice them or if we make eye contact. And even though it's a small thing, it's really nice to see people smile back. It's like by smiling at each other we are quietly saying, "Hey man, here we are trying to make the best of this day on Planet Earth. Hope you have a good one."

I've been trying to smile at a stranger at least once a day. It's really not that strange :)

What I've learned from my Nephews (so far)

They have boundless energy and a zest for life.

when they are mad they get mad....and then it's done.

They are sneaky.

They love to laugh.

They are stubborn. My four year old nephew will say, "Me want ketchup" and I will correct him and say, "No Mylan. It's I want ketchup." And he'll just smile and be silent. He knows what to say. He just doesn't want to say it.

They are competitive. They love playing games.

They speak English and French and a little Spanish. They have had experiences most kids will not have in a lifetime.

They are fearless.

They live full days of wonder, adventure, boredom, pain, heartache, laughter.

I am so inspired by them right now.

They tire me out. I have to take a nap when I am do and all I hear is, "Wake up Tito Mark! Wake up Tito Mark!" for half an hour.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand how my older sister, Anna does it. I am in awe of her.

My love for them is bigger than I imagined.

Thank you Fran, for capturing this moment on film.

Love and Dating: Sex and the Single Life

This morning I was writing in my journal about how I went onto facebook the other night and saw that one of my fb friends who's a guy and gay is engaged. Being the stalker that I am I looked at his fiance's profile page and I felt a slight tinge in my stomach. In the photo I see that he is blonde, probably dutch or something, the perfect blend of sophistication and maturity yet eternally youthful. He had other photos (yes, I looked at the other photos, stop judging!) of him holding a friend's baby, hanging out with his family, looking relaxed, well mannered and well, perfect.

And I know they're just pictures and I don't know the guy and maybe he has disgusting habits and issues like everybody else but my little voice couldn't help but say, "Why not me?" Why am I not engaged to an impossibly gorgeous, white, blonde, upper middle class, european man-boy who probably has more brains and more money than I will ever have?

It's a slippery slope isn't it? These little jabbing questions that quickly puncture you into a dark abyss of shame and self-loathing. And it's all a crazy tapestry of past insecurities that creates the overall image. That hot dutch guy basically represents everything I am not nor will I ever be; white and blonde. There are deeper issues at work there for sure.

We always want what we can't have. I've heard it before. What gets me is, why don't I think I can have that? Why don't I feel I deserve that? Or maybe that's just it, maybe I walk around feeling I am entitled to somebody who my impossible standards and that entitlement keeps me separate from everybody else or worse, thinking I am better than anybody else. I mean seriously, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who thinks he's better than you?

Bottom line, there are so many questions that will remain unresolved and what's going on with me right now is that I'm just not seeing the spark in anyone. And I am frustrated, resigned, alone and defeated by the whole thing. That's the ugly truth of it. I see these happy couples on facebook and I think, "There has got to be something wrong with me that I am not seeing anyone right now." And you know how that vicious circle goes. The more I resist, the more it persists. Is it bad to be single? Does that mean anything? The older I get, the more uncomfortable I feel about my single status. But is that real or is it something I create in my head?

I saw that blonde boy and one of the first thoughts I entertained was, "well it's settled then I have to move." I mean it's obvious right? I haven't found a boyfriend in Montreal and I have been here for three years. There aren't any blonde boys here for me and obviously there's just a gaggle of them in Europe just waiting for a guy like me so naturally I must move to Stockholm. I am in the wrong place, I am not where I am supposed to be. And the shame spiral continues.

The truth is I cannot be anywhere else than where I am right now. And write now I am writing my blog. And later on I'll be teaching my first Zumba class, and after that I will be downloading and burning CDs and after that I will be making phone calls and after that I am going to the Restaurant where I will be DJing tomorrow and after that I will be going to check out more clubs and after that I may go to a movie and after that I will go to bed. That is where I am. That is my life.

I'm turning thirty four next month. No man, just me, writing in my journal and living my life. "Bravo, Mark, you're officially Carrie Bradshaw."

I don't know. I've been living inside of these principles that I can create my future, that I build a structure around my goals and what is important to me, that to achieve my dreams I must stay the course and remain vigilante. Love and relationships are a bit of a mystery. I don't know how to build a structure around that. And am I really building a structure or am I just building a wall?

My life has taken on new dimensions in the last couple of months. So many little changes that could have huge impacts. I've been dabbling with the idea of Being Enough. That there's nothing for me to tweak, or augment or change. That I am perfectly enough as I am, for anything and anybody. He's out there. And when I find him there will be no competing, no feeling superior or less than. It will be a partnership. And with any luck, he may just be a blonde man-boy from Denmark.

What would it be like to bring Buddah consciousness to dating? Instead of feeling a sense of urgency, we would be fascinated by the process of meeting and and getting to know new people. Compassion, care and kindness for others would supercede “getting someone to be with us”. And we would never try to control another person. We wouldn’t put others on a pedestal, nor would we set them below us, We’d remember that on a spiritual path, the purpose of any relationship is to wake up and get to know ourselves and our lover, thoroughly without judgment or pride. On the spiritual path, we enter into a shared union where we cherish and give to each other, expanding our ability to love unconditionally. We would also accept that the process can be awkward, unpredictable, challenging and surprising.

some ugly truths about me....

I am a Drama Queen

It's typical really. Sometimes I have my big gay blow outs and cry and whine and stuff. I get all emotional over spilled milk. It happens. But lately I've noticed it can be a bit more melodramatic than that. I'm like a Soap Opera Drama Queen. I'm Susan Lucci. My life is just SO important and I'm weighed down by my sheer existence and I am really, really, the ONLY person on this planet that is going through these terrible hardships. I like to play victim. I'm addicted to it. That's my gig and I'm good at it. Like I said, it's subtle at times but it's there. She'll rear her ugly head a few times a day. I'm not proud of that.

I like Porn

I mean probably not more than any average guy or girl, gay or straight, my age, but I'm in the middle of a month long trial of not looking at porn. I just want to see how addicted to it I actually am. I'm not a man of many vices. I don't like to drink and I hardly ever do drugs anymore. If I were to name one true vice it would be coffee. But porn is something that was taking up quite a bit of my day. I have been late for work more than once looking at porn. I have nothing against porn. It fills a fundamental, primal need. But I've just been curious to see how much porn actually controls me. So I've stopped cold turkey. So far I have replaced my need for porn by watching a lot of online movies. It's a bit disgusting actually. I've probably watched over ten movies in the last week. Because I haven't been stimulating my brain with pornographic images sadly I feel my sex drive has gotten way low. I now think there must be something wrong with me. That's when the Drama Queen comes in. Read above.

I have a constant dissatisfcation with my Life

These are ugly truths not pretty ones. I am not proud of this. Why? Because as I get a little older I can't understand why anyone in his right mind would choose to be dissatisfied with his life. I mean, no wonder it takes me forever to get out of bed some mornings. It's this constant need for MORE. Wanting more is good. It drives ambition, it produces actions, it brings meaning. But I think it's about time I be responsible for that and keep it in check. It's the difference between commitment and attachment. I may be committed to having things (and let's face it, they're usually things; more objects and trinkets and gadgets) but as long as I have an attachment to them, every time I don't possess those things I quickly become less than, mediocre and frustrated. Do I really want to waste my day being those things? I mean, does that really contribute in any way to this planet or my well being?

I am a lazy mother fucker

I am. I can't help it. I just am. If I could be a rich fuck who has a mansion in Beverly Hills and travels the world to take pictures and spends his days and nights going to functions and spas and galas and fundraisers I say bring it. I'm lazy. Every day I have to listen to my inner child bitch and moan about how he doesn't want to do anything. You think it doesn't require "work" to be writing this blog today? When was the last time I shared my thoughts publicly? Two months ago? I have a need to be creative. That's a truth. But if my ego had a choice between being creative and being paid to lie in bed in my sweatpants watching porn and movies, drinking coffee all day believe me, I would be in bed right now. Ugly truth people.

I'm obsessed with Teen Heartthrobs

That's not exactly the truth but I will do my best to explain. And I am aware that as I get older that statement gets creepier and creepier. Like I'm not obsessed with Justin Bieber. I am patriotic so I do love it when Canadians do well South of the border or globally. But my obsession right now is for Zac Efron.

Here's the thing. I have realized that ever since I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a popular, white boy. There's got to be a term for this type of particular disease. I am certain John Hughes has something to do with it. The thing is I will never be white. The sooner I surrender that fantasy the better off I will be. When I look at Zac Efron I just think he posseses the ease and the effortless sense of cool I have always desired. It's all shades of wrong to waste my time being obsessed with someone like that. But there you have it. That's my ego in full effect. There's more ugly to be examined certainly. But those are the main ones that are out in the forefront right now.

Transition

I've been feeling a twinge of hope these days. My goal is to work a 30 hour work week. Right now I'm pretty much working half that. Half the work, half the pay. It's pretty self-explanatory I think. What's been difficult is the amount of guilt I put on myself. The other day I was talking to my sister about it and I was starting to wonder if there was something fundamentally wrong. Like I was some sort of total moron for not being able to handle my finances. Finally she said, "Mark, you're no different than so many people I know, including myself. The only difference is I know what I make each week and it's consistent." And she's right. I need to work more. Right now I have 3 to 4 shifts a week at the restaurant and that's no longer enough. So I've been out looking and I am confident something will blossom.

DJ-wise I have been totally defeated. I don't have anything solid at the moment and it gives me too much time to think and doubt that I can make it. Still, I have a gig at the end of the month and then a few in April (though they're in Laval and I have no idea how I am going to get there!)

My life feels a little crazy at the moment. I have no idea how the pieces are all going to come together. I've been really serious too this past month. I don't know what it is about Winter and February/March but I am not a happy camper. Maybe it's time to seriously consider living somewhere warm for the rest of my life. Maybe Sydney or New Zealand. Lately my mind has been thinking about California and San Diego. I need a beach!

Anyway, that's where I am at right now. It's not pretty I know. But I hope my honesty is some form of inspiration. I really do feel I am at the cusp of something though I don't know what yet. And even though I have some loose structures in place and some goals in mind I have to remember that life truly is one big adventure. Might as well have some fun while I'm on this crazy roller coaster right?

drowning....

I'm awake but I'm not. My life has taken on some sort of surreal nightmare. I wake up and my whole body aches. It longs for something different. It longs to be elsewhere. I know that I am blessed. I know it. I am surrounded by my family. I live a good life in so many ways. Yet I can't shake this feeling that I have done something terribly wrong. I wake up and the little victim in me cries out, "why me? What have I done to deserve this?"

The Bank froze my account. I tried to take out forty dollars last night and it says that my account is restricted. For the last week a woman named Joyce at my bank has been trying to reach me. I have been avoiding her. I have been avoiding her, I have been avoiding my life. How far down the rabbit hole do I need to go before I see light at the end of the tunnel?

My dance career has failed. My theatre career has failed. The shifts I have as a busboy can't even pay my rent at times. The tips I make barely get me through the week.

I am frustrated, alone, isolated. Suffocating. And I am ashamed. I feel like I have nowhere to turn. A new life is in order. A new career perhaps. A new dream. But how? and with what money? I've created a world of debt. I get that I am responsible for that. Now how to I create a world of wealth? How do I turn this around?

My body aches. I have a cold. I can barely drag myself out of bed. The sun is out and spring is around the corner. People are getting happier. Yet I don't feel the sun on my face. I'm terrified of the world around me. I'm lost. Sometime ago things made a little more sense. But you can't take back time. And the future awaits.

Life is all about choice. And I can go on feeling alone, desperate and scared or I can believe in myself and believe in me. I cannot say I have the answers, man I wish I did. But until I do, I will continue to get out of bed and do what needs to be done. And I will breathe. I will breathe.

early morning...

it's so quiet this morning. The last few weeks I've struggled to find meaning in my life. I'm sorry if it sounds dramatic. I keep hoping that I'll wake up and something will be different but it's been a variation on groundhog day for quite some time now. I'm drained. I find myself in a familiar place; defeated, resigned, frustrated, alone. I can't shake it. No matter how strong I pretend to be. I should get a gold star just for getting out of bed these days.

Perhaps I am clinically depressed though I have convinced myself that I am a hypochondriac so I am constantly worried that I am sick. But what is my body telling me with all my aches and pains, the sniffles, the soar throat? What am I not listening to?

The ugly truth of it is I am bankrupt. Not only financially but spiritually, emotionally. I have unraveled to the point where I am unrecognizable to myself. My goals and dreams don't anchor me like they used to. I'm a ship with no compass, wandering aimlessly yet always ending at the same place.

Sometimes when I let the loneliness pervade me I search the dark corners of my mind and think, "Where did I go wrong? I'm a good person who's made some bad choices. Who hasn't? What should I have done differently?" And then I wake up and find myself back at the grocery store, back to reality.

I imagine myself, living a life free from the burden of anxiety and worry. I live by the ocean, I am have boyfriend who loves me and that I love back. I have complete financial freedom, I travel when I want and I am healthy and happy.

I want to be everywhere except for where I am right now. I want to be living someone else's fabulous life except my own. I am a man in search of beauty and inspiration. And when I encounter someone who is an expression of that I crave it for myself because I miss that feeling of knowing what it means to live with a Passion in your life. I look inside and I sense the emptiness. And I have no idea what to fill it with....yet.

It's not that I'm anti- Valentine's......

Woke up this morning a litte fuzzy. DJed last night at Cnfusion on Saint Denis. Really cute little spot with some pretty tasty tapas. I had a fun time DJing. It's been a while and I always get nervous. As I was setting up I was thinking how I would always make Jonathan do the set up because he was the "guy" and knew how to do those things. Now I'm doing it myself. I've come a long way.

Not a lot of dancing but the management was really pleased and that satisfied me. I'm training myself to not take things so seriously. It was a great night and I played a variety of music like I always do just to keep the people happy. In a bar or lounge setting it's especially important to check my ego at the door. Did I play YMCA? Guilty as charged. But were people loving it and doing the dance? Yes and yes. In the end, it's always about the dancing. The one thing that I loved is that they encouraged me to play more House which I will definitely do the next time I am invited back. I played a lot of Love themed Songs but since it was an Anti-Valentine's Party I thought it was appropriate to play Bad Romance. That was a highlight for me. Who doesn't want to be screaming "I don't want to be friends" at the top of their lungs?

There's one guy I am struggling being friends with. I put out a challenge to myself to start dating and I met Max. It was pretty hot and heavy but the fire burned out just as quick as it begun. I admit, I'm addicted to the Love Drug. And it really is a drug kids, beware! I love that feeling of thinking about someone, and wondering if that person is thinking of you. I enjoy the Honeymoon period but I enjoy all the little things too; the dinners, the laundry together, sitting on the couch doing nothing, the laughter. I get lost in it and sometimes way too easily.

I'm thinking about being friends with this guy. That's new for me and I'll be honest, I'm not sure I can do it. From my understanding people in the Gay community do it all the time. They sleep with people, have these torrid little flings, and then in six months become best friends, fuck buddies, roommates whatever. That never sat well with me. I've met people whose friends are made up of past lovers. When I'm done, I'm usually done. We didn't work out as boyfriends so what's left? I HAVE friends. But is that immature on my part? Am I missing out on an opportunity to be with someone on another level?

On Friday during class I texted Max saying I wanted to just complete things with him. And he responded so I think we'll find some time to do that but I don't know when. At this point I honestly don't know what I am going to say to him that hasn't already been said. And with my feelings the way they are I don't know how healthy it is for me to go down that friendship path with a hope or a dream that someday something might happen between us (again). I'm a great guy. I've got a lot of love to give. I was ready to put it on the table and it was rejected. Do I really need to be around that? I mean I get it, the course of true love never did run smooth, but c'mon Universe, I'm asking you to cut me some slack here!

2010: A new Year of Possibilities

Wow. Too many thoughts, too many ideas, too many goals, too many dreams and wishes....where do I being? I guess I can begin with right now. There's just so many things that I have neglected, mainly this blog and just having Writing present in my life. I am so obsessed with Art and Money. If I don't see an access to money through an Art form, my brain automatically thinks, why bother? Like, if I can't make money off this blog, if this blog won't clothe me and put food on the table, then what's the reward? What's the value of it?

And that's the ugly truth about how I live my life. I live my life inside a conversation that says, "I want to be passionate about my existence. But all my passions in my life will mean I will have no money." After 33 years on this planet. I am still living in survival mode.

They're doing construction down my street. The city is making some new additions to the Museum. One morning I noticed a huge beetle, the size of my thumb, laying on the sidewalk on it's back. I was certain it was dead. I even passed by it the following day, it was still in the same state. Finally on the third day I walked down and saw it still there and much like a little kid, I examined it a little further. I flipped it over on to its beety legs and it started to move! Eventually it scurried away. I keep that moment with me because I wonder sometimes if it's like that in life. I wonder if right now, without my knowledge, I am literally on my back, stuck, waiting for someone to just flip me over.

I hate making promises. I make a promise and failure soon follows. And being a failure feels like shit no matter how big or small the promise is. But a promise can be restored. It takes a second to admit to someone, "Hey, I made a promise to you, to our friendship, I promised to pay you back....and I didn't keep that promise, and I'm sorry."

I'm not sure why I am writing that now. Maybe what I want to say to myself is, "Hey Mark, I promised to have writing be present in your life. I promised to write in this blog, to share my words with people, to express my thoughts on paper. And I failed on that promise. And I am sorry."

It's a new year. It's a new decade. I don't know what kind of miracles will be created this year, each month, each week, each day. I just pray that I stay awake enough to catch them. I'm going to be setting some big goals for myself this year. And I don't know how I'll arrive at most of them. But it's my promise to document them along the way. And it's my hope that something amazing happens....