Friday, April 25, 2008

This was my horoscope for the week by Rob Brezsny:

"Many a man fails to become a thinker for the sole reason that his memory is too good," wrote Friedrich Nietzsche. I suggest you contemplate that riddle, Cancerian. Is your ability to stir up new perspectives sometimes hindered by the deep feelings you have about your history? Is it possible that past experiences you've grown to treasure tend to diminish your motivation to reinvent yourself periodically? If so, it's a perfect time to break free of the old days and old ways. Induce a little forgetfulness so that you're more available for the future.

I found this metal box outside my laundry room

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

recycle biatches!

Yesterday was a bit of a hard day for me. With the dramatic change of weather my body's been adjusting and coupled with the long hours at work I've been feeling sub-par. It's especially tough because I've noticed that when I am low in energy that's when my mind starts to be active and create negative comments about myself and my life. Also interesting was people's reactions towards me. My peers could tell I was "not myself". One of them asked me if there was anything wrong, worrying that I might be repressing some big issues and holding in bad feelings. But truth was there was nothing really wrong. It was kind of a cool lesson to just sit with that uneasiness and try not to judge it or create a story about it. It simply was. When I got home from work I napped for two hours. My body needed the rest.

The warm weather has been so nice in Montreal. It has been a little tough, because this time of year makes me miss New York City. As more time passes I've been able to create more distance from my experience. It's easy to forget the hardships I had there and paint such a beautiful picture of what was. Perhaps with the foundation I am building here, I can return to New York with a different perspective. I have to remind myself: visiting New York and living in New York or two different things. The buzz you get from that city is very high, naturally the hang over is indeed very, very low.

Work has enabled me to keep my life pretty simple these days. I wake up early, I go to work, work like a dog, and after clocking out I write, read a little, make dinner and hang out with my sister/roommate before going to bed. Not much of a social life I'm afraid. Perhaps I should acknowledge what a blessing that can be, being a loner. After all, it is only the beginning of spring. The party hasn't even started yet in Montreal.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

this was taken at Place Des Arts. As you can see, Montreal went from Winter weather to twenty degrees celsius. So there is still some patches of snow lying around. Funny.

Yesterday was my parent's 36th Wedding Anniversary. There's a lot I could say about my folks. The good, the bad, the very, very ugly. But I want to share two stories and some thoughts on them. The two stories mainly have to do with my mom since I am, after all, a momma's boy.

When I was nine, with the help of my mother, I got over the fear of this big wooden roller coaster called The Monster. It's in an amusement park in Montreal called La Ronde and I was such chicken shit to go on it in the past, but that summer my mother went on the ride with me and helped me get over my fear. I remember it was already pretty dark out and as the we sat in our seats and chugged up a pretty steep incline my mother turned to me and said, "look at all the lights in the city. Take in the view." And I did. And then we went down.

The following year I was so excited that I conquered my fear of wooden roller coasters that I wanted to have my birthday party at La Ronde. Incidentally, that summer I was going to Toronto to audition for The National Ballet School. It was a month long summer program to see if you could return in the fall as a full time student. It also was around the same time as my birthday. I remember my parents fighting because paying for a birthday party at an amusement park and going to The National would have been too expensive. I remember feeling so fed up. My parents always fought about money. Finally I said to my mother, "fine. I don't want to go to The National Ballet School. I want to go to La Ronde with my friends. I want to have a great birthday. If I have to choose. I choose the amusement park."

My mother listened, then she left my room and talked with my father. When she came back she looked at me and said very seriously, "Mark. I really think you should go to this Summer program. This kind of opportunity doesn't come very often. And you auditioned and they want to see more of you. I think you should reconsider and go to Toronto for the summer." And I did. And it changed my life forever.

I always say that it was Divine Intervention that brought me to that school. I'm not quite sure what kind of human being I would be today had I not left my often toxic family environment for a place where I felt nurtured and challenged and free to be self-expressed and creative. I owe so much to the National Ballet School. And I am deeply grateful for my parents for being courageous and letting me go at such a young age.

There are no perfect families. There are only lessons. I remember when I turned 29 and I was living in Brooklyn and it really hit me. When my father was 29 he was living in a strange new country with a wife and two kids, trying to make a living. And I have deep compassion for that especially now that I am older. I love my parents unconditionally but sometimes I don't like them. I judge the choices they make, they frustrate me, make me angry. I don't agree with their opinions at times or how they see the world. But they fascinate me because the more I understand the pieces of them that are in me, I see the potential I have to evolve as a person, to take all those crazy and wonderful attributes and see what sort of magic I can make with them.

I love my parents for three reasons. And their names are Anna, Frances and Elizabeth. These women are my sisters. I've laughed and cried with these girls. I just think they are the most marvelous people. I couldn't have asked for better siblings. So thanks mom and dad. Happy Anniversary. You did good.

my kooky parents

Monday, April 14, 2008

Friends: Old, New, Unexpected

We are all stars

Thank God Cam mentioned the Radiohead concert while he was cutting my hair in my apartment. For a while now I had been thinking that Radiohead is probably one of the only bands I have longed to see live but hadn't. Of course the tickets had been sold out by the time I checked their website but Cam showed me another site where my sister was able to score some tickets for us. Happy, happy, joy, joy! I love Cam. He reminds me so much of my friend Marco, who used to cut my hair in New York. I like having him over and telling stories while he cuts my hair. It's one of those simple pleasures I look forward too.

I have to say one of the highlights of last week was meeting this guy

Thursday night I got a call while I was on the phone. The ID said Brett Van Sickle, which I found somewhat surprising. I met Brett briefly on my trip to Toronto in the fall. He was dating one of my best friends at the time. Brett is a graduate of the same dance school I went to but we are of totally different generations, not to mention different stages in our careers. I was surprised because I knew he didn't know me that well so I figured it must be important. I phoned him back right away.

"Hello Brett?"

"Hi, I'm in Montreal."

"Really? Why? Are you auditioning for Les Grands? Do you need a place to stay?..."

"Yes and yes."

Brett was only here for about two days but I have to say, it was a real treat for me to open my home to a fellow dancer who needed a place to crash. We know many of the same people and it was nice to hear how everyone was doing. We talked a lot about the company, his dreams, my dreams, his goals and of course my friend and his ex, Mat. To know that we have so much in common and yet don't know each other at all created an interesting bond. We talked "ballet" and I made him point his toe (malade!). He is a really good guy and I am glad I got to know him a little better.

I also had a chance to talk with my friend Melissa who is dancing with Ballet BC. We hadn't spoken since the winter so it was nice to catch up and see how things were going out West.

So many changes...little and big. Subtle, profound, minute. Every once in a while the question pops up. "Why aren't you dancing anymore?" I always found it a little unsettling to talk about past accomplishments. Will knowing that I was in The Lion King change the way you see me? I was a ballet dancer then and a DJ there, but now I am a busboy...does that change the way you treat me? We are not our jobs.

The little secret that no one really knows is that I am doing exactly what I did as a little kid. When I was eight, I would play old records and dance in my basement. I would dance so much I would lay on the ground, exhausted. And somewhere a long the way that became a career; I got paid for it. And now I don't. Will I again? Maybe. But the truth is, I don't think I'll ever stop thinking of myself as a dancer. I love moving too much. I like the way my body feels. That's why I like clubbing so much. I just enjoy moving to music. It's funny but I don't even need to drink or party that much anymore. I just dance. And when I think I've had enough, I leave.

It's uncertain that I will ever join a professional company again. To be at that calibre and to perform at that level requires a certain amount of dedication and drive that I don't think I have anymore. Plus in certain dance communities I am deemed too old, or some too young. I have peered through that world, behind the velvet curtain and I have enjoyed what I've seen. With Dance, it's never been a straight road. The future remains a mystery.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Mad decent dancing

An Evening of Ohad Naharin


Thursday night was a bit of a big night. I was going to the ballet to watch Lenaig perform some works by the Israeli choreographer Ohad Naharin. I've been a huge fan of his work and I have many friends who have danced in his pieces. I was really hoping to bring a guy from work but was a bit disappointed that he declined my invitation. But I didn't take it too personally and decided to bring Janice instead, another co-worker, who jumped at the opportunity. I keep forgetting that some people still don't know anything about dance and are kind of afraid of it. And now like most live shows, Ballet is really expensive. Most people who might enjoy it most simply can't afford to go. Which is why I was a bit saddened by this person's response to my invitation. It could have been a surprisingly inspiring evening.

I love Ohad's pieces because they are really engaging and accessible to regular people who may not necessarily go to the ballet on a regular basis. There's such an emotional response to his work that I find exhilirating.

It was an evening of three works. I thought the company looked strong. It's really nice to be at my age to have seen so much dance that I have a more discerning eye. I have seen companies like Cedar Lake, Le Grand Theatre du Geneve, and even Ohad's own company, Batsheva Dance Company, perform his dances so it was cool to contrast and compare. Ohad likes to cut and paste different sections of dances to create new works for companies around the world so I found myself recognizing certain sections of dancing but not quite remembering where I had seen it or which company performed it.

Ohad is a master of group work, patterns and forms. His partnering and small group sections are always fluid and dynamic, he's always working from a place of total stillness to high energy, order into chaos.

Lenaig past on some fascinating information after the performance about his creative process. I marveled at how tight the group work was and Lenaig told me it was because the dancers are equipped with tiny ear pieces. While the audience is watching and listening to composed music, the dancers are onstage, moving to a completely different score. "With the lighting it is difficult to see anyone else. Sometimes all we are listening to is a metronome."

I was totally fascinated by this piece of information. When I saw Batsheva perform for a private function in New York the dancers had just gotten off a plane from Berlin. In the start of one section half the dancers calmly walked off the stage while I group of eight remained and danced a small group section. It was later brought to our attention that half the group's ear pieces weren't working so they all decided to exit, leaving the remainder to finish the movement. Ohad looked thrilled by the interesting turn of events.

"That's my biggest fear, to have the ear piece not work!" said Lenaig over a glass of wine. It blew my mind that the dancers were performing in a completely different mood to what the audience might be seeing and feeling. "What do you listen to?" I asked.

"Well, in the first piece it was Tom Waits. But it could be anything, any music. Sometimes he chooses words to move to." Fascinating.

Lenaig and Rodney, after the show


Afterwards I headed over to DL Jones's Birthday party at 1234. Diplo was spinning and I never had a chance to check him out while I was living in New York so it was a nice treat. The party was what I have come to expect from DL. Peer Pressure opened and were tight as always. The crowd was ready to get down. I have to say that even though I do find myself judging today's club fashion (sort of nineties raver 2.0. H&M meets Yellow Rat Bastard) I am glad that people are having fun with clothes again. I witnessed a lot of cool ravers slowly morph into Diesel outfits. Girls that used to wear visors and running shoes were now in heels and tight tops. Now people are getting colourful and crazy and I'm enjoy it though it does at times look like Urban Outfitters just puked everywhere.

The music too harkens back to a more raver sensibility with beats that are techno and garage driven. Diplo played a Booka Shade track which I adore and marked my exit at around two in the morning. As I was getting on my coat to leave a girl looked at me as she climbed the stairs back to the club. I winked at her and she smiled. She had on the geekiest glasses ever.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I don't speak "tree"

A friend of mine commented the other day that I need to blog more. So as part of his birthday wish I have decided to indeed, be more blog-tastic than ever before. What that means I am not entirely sure. But I anticipate more random thoughts, interesting pictures and maybe a haiku. Who knows...

I've been doing a lot of inner-traveling over the winter months here in Montreal. Along with Landmark (thanks, Fran!) and a New Earth I just don't feel like I look at things that same way. Don't get me wrong, I am so far from being spiritually enlightened and I would never dare say that I am more spiritually enlightened than someone else. That would still be egoic bullshit. But I have awoken. And it's taken almost thirty two years to get to this point. Pretty exciting.

I'm living with a martian. It's true. I'll try to explain. At the restaurant I work at there used to be a very thin, tiny tree in the front of the entrance. I wish I knew the name of the tree, maybe I'll take a picture of it and put in on the blog but I like not knowing what it's called and I'll get into that in a second. The thing was, this tree was dying. Every time I would move it, even an inch, its leaves would fall off like flakes of dandruff. Finally my manager, Julie, said, "just take it out back into the garbage."

I am no green thumb. I've killed my fair share of plants in my time, I've given them names, talk to them and watched them die a slow death feeling guilty that I was some sort of murderer. Terrible stuff. Well I couldn't just throw out this tree. After my shift, I walked up a steep incline carrying it all the way home. My sister, who I am now living with, was not too pleased to see a green living thing in her apartment.

I know nothing about gardening or maintaining plant life but I had a hunch that if I just sprayed the leaves with a water bottle the tree would like that. And it did. It does. And it's growing very well thank you.

The thing is I made two discoveries over the last few weeks which is why I think my tree is from another planet, or maybe not from another planet, but is totally mysterious to me. After reading a New Earth and watching the webcast, Eckhart Tolle remarked how in the world of form we need to categorize things and name them. But by naming these things lose some of their magic. For instance, when you are in a park and you see an oak tree it is not really an oak tree. It is called an oak tree. Humans named it that. We even named it tree. I don't know why. So now, when I look at the tree residing in my apartment, it's totally awesome and weird at the same time. Because for the first time in a long time, I am actually looking that this thing with vibrant green leaves and I haven't a clue what it is. But I'm cool with it. And in some weird way I think he's thinking the same thing too.

The other discovery was that Julie later asked me how the tree was doing and if I talk to it. I said that I did but when I thought more about it I really don't. And then it dawned on me. I don't really talk with my tree because I don't think trees speak or think in english. They think in "tree". At best, we're these two living things co-existing in the same space and twice a day I go over to it with my water bottle and maybe he says something like, "yo, thanks for the spray" and I'm like, "no worries." My tree's a martian. I'm convinced.

I love Julie because she comes up with these random gems. We have two flat screen TVs behind the bar and one time she was staring at the screen and said, "I swear to God. If you watch CNN for more than an hour you think the world is going to end." I laughed because it's so true. I look at CNN now and all I see is "News" that is formatted to look like Entertainment Tonight. The other day a friend showed me a website that makes me feel like the world is not going to end. It's a series of lectures that have been going on since 1984 called TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design). There are so many inspiring things going on in this world and it's totally worth checking out.

www.ted.com