:)

as written in the diary of Graphic Designer Stefan Sagmeister of things he believed he learned in his lfetime:

- Complaining is silly. Either Act or Forget.
- Thinking life will be better in the future is stupid. I have to love now.
- Being not truthful works against me.
- Helping other people helps me.
- Organizing a charity group is surprisingly easy.
- Everything I do always comes back to me.
- Drugs feel great in the beginning and become a drag later on.
- Over time I get used to everything and start taking it for granted.
- Money does not make me happy.
- Traveling alone is helpful for a new perspective on life.
- Assuming is stifling.
- Keeping a diary supports my personal development.
- Trying to look good limits my life.
- Worrying solves nothing.
- Material luxuries are best enjoyed in small doses.
- Having guts always works out for me.

July 2nd 2009

Happy Birthday to me. What's going on you ask? So far I feel present to the paradox of things. Like I sense that I am busy, I have a lot on the go, and yet at the same time I feel like I am stuck. I've plateaued. Or maybe I'm just about to break on through to the other side...who knows?

I'm 33 now. What can I say about that? Time flies that's for sure. The other day I had my friend Mistaya's baby in my arms and I was staring at her thinking, "I knew you when you were twelve and now I am holding something that you grew in your belly for nine months". Mind blowing.

I'm going out tonight, most likely by myself. Steve Lawler and Audiofly will be spinning at Tribe Hyperclub.For anyone who has read the Artist Way I am considering this one of my Artist's Dates since I will most likely be flying solo tonight. It has been a real long time since I have gone out by myself. I'm kind of nervous and excited!

My world lately has been filled to the brim with work and with Landmark. My course has led me to take trips to New York City, Toronto and soon Ottawa. It's an amazing course and I am happy to be participating in it even though it demands a lot of my time and energy.

I'm tired! I have moments where I want to just curl up into a little ball and hide or run away somewhere, far away, M.I.A., escaping from my life....

But this is my life. The world around me is shifting, altering, changing, moving. I feel myself unraveling. I have no idea what I see or who I am to become. I have my suspicions that I am in fact, great, powerful, abundant, loving and charismatic. But doubt is an old friend I know too well.

Kicking old habits is tough! And I sometimes wonder to myself, "Am I where I need to be?" I don't know what's around the corner. But I am pouring a glass of champagne and toasting myself.

This is the year, the day, the moment where I declare that I am a wonderful, amazing, brilliant person. That I've been put on this earth to be blissfully happy and successful and wealthy in all sense of the word. This journey has just begun....

the what's so...

I'm kind of in a weird head space this morning. The last few nights I haven't been getting much sleep, or at least, not sleeping well. Last night, like the other night, I woke up at around 4, my eyes, puffy, my throat itchy and sneezy. I had to get up and take a Reactine and wait for it to kick in before putting myself to sleep. TV sort of sucks at 4 in the morning. It's the "House" episode you saw two days ago, random infomercials a CNN report. I'm left feeling slightly agitated and unsatisfied. Or maybe it was the Reactine?

TV does that to me these days. In fact, I barely make time for it. The minute I turn it on I feel my body drain of any energy and will power to DO

My mind is totally foggy, my body completely drained. I've reached that state where a part of me believes I should be napping or worse, completely out of commission for three days but I know if I lie down I'll just have my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, with my mind blaring ideas, usually crap ideas, in my head. So the other part just says, fuck it and I start my day, in action, doing what needs to be done. But I wonder if I'm just a walking zombie pretending to be in action.

I have so many excuses. So many stories. So many conversations. I look at other DJs, people who I believe have "made it" (what does that mean?) and my whiny inner child says, "why don't I have that? Why does he get to spin the big party in front of hundreds of people and not me?" I'm constantly on pause thinking, "when do I get to be Belle of the beats?" "When's it my turn?" "When's my Love Parade?"

Is it all delusions of grandeur? And do I walk away, deflated, tail between my legs and mixes in my DJ bag when things aren't happening the way I want it to?

Lost in emotion. It's OK to be swimming through it just so long as I know enough not to get stuck wading in there. Feeling like a failure today doesn't mean a failure for life. Doesn't mean I AM a failure. Doesn't mean anything of those things....

It means I haven't slept well in the last few days....ha ha. Jokes on me.

So what IS?...

Me and four other party enthusiasts, DJs and Electronic Music lovers started a party called The Hump.

The good news is: I love my team. I love the music that we spin (Breaks, House, Electro) and I love the vibe we are creating. The not so good news: we need more people to catch on. And I am sooooo impatient. I love how I can stay in a dysfucntional relationship for 5 years but I do 2 parties and already I'm ready to throw in the towel.

I sorta met someone
I know, it doesn't sound so convincing does it? The thing is it's new. The other thing is he lives in a different city. Also, I can't stop thinking about him. And I don't know what we are yet. So I'm excited. I haven't a clue what we're going to do. He's coming to visit next weekend.

I'm organizing an Event to Raise money for HIV/AIDS Prevention in Africa

I'm not exactly sure when I became an Event Planner but the other week I found myself in a Boardroom with three Board members talking about creating an Event for October. Ask me a year ago if I thought I would be doing that and I wouldn't have believed it.

Growing a pair
Bottom line, in spite of feeling like shit from lack of sleep or allergies or whatever, something is shifting in me. I know there are areas in my life where I am still stuck. But I see it more clearly now because I'm moving so rapidly in other ares. I'm being bold, making demands, requesting help, communicating and creating. I am creating. Creating my world, my space, my time, my life, my conversations, my vision, my love.

I've been walking around this earth, being small, secretly wanting to be an Artist (with a capital "A". Ha! What does that mean?" And as I get really present to the fact that I am creating my world, I ask myself, isn't that what being an Artist is really all about?

All the arts we practice are apprenticeship. The big art is our life.

-M.C. Richards

as written to Tony....

'My Perfect New York Weekend'....

* get a TimeOut NY. Preferably at News Bar by Union Square ( 14th and University Place). Buy a coffee and read all the trashy magazines for free!

* Shop: Diesel, Burton, G Star, Flying A all the cute boutiques in SoHo. Pat Fields!!!!!!

* Read books at Tashcen in SoHo. Also the used bookstore at 126 Crosby Street in SoHo (Housing Works)

* Jerry's has moved to 90 Chambers street in TriBeCa. Ask for Toi (prounounced "Toy". Tell her your my friend)

* Go to Magnolia. Then go to Marc Jacobs. Go to Prada. Go to the Hudson River.

* Eat Sushi! Check out my friend's DJ night on Saturdays called Sushi-Bass in the East Village. Go to the Cock, Boysroom, Parking, Splash (Ha, ha) all the spots....

I wish I could be there with you guys. You're going to have so much fun. I would say hang out in Brooklyn for a day (Williamsburg for sure) but just enjoy Manhattan. Try to do one artsy thing like check out some galleries in Chelsea. And I hope you watch "Wicked".

I hope that gives you some ideas, but I'm sure it's stuff you already though of. Let's talk soon.

xoM

"To be perfectly honest...."

I would have to say that for the past month I have been feeling pretty crusty. I don't know why. I can't quite put my finger on it. There's just something not quite right. It's totally annoying too because when I look at how the month of February went, it was really pretty awesome:

* Brendan was in town. I always have a good time when he's here.

* I went to see Modeselektor at Igloofest which was cool. I always have fun at Igloofest. Scratch Bastid did a great Opening Set. I think I would go see Modeselektor again in a regular club atmosphere. I found the whole evening with the different DJs a little disjointed. But I'm glad I got to experience it.

* Definite highlight was making the trip to Ottawa with my sister to see Batsheva perform THREE at The National Arts Centre. The Company is just amazing and I always am inspired by their performances. The whole trip was quite perfect in a way. My sister and I got to hang out at the Rideau Centre for a bit. We met up with a friend and had a nice dinner at the Black Tomato before the show. We were able to catch a ten o'clock bus back to Montreal and we were back at the apartment by one thirty. Such a great day.

* I was approached by one of the Teachers at the Dance School I teach at to create a piece for an Event Showcasing New Choreographers at the end of the month. I feel honoured and a bit overwhelmed all at once. Finding the time to work with a dancer and create a piece that's fun and interesting has been on my mind a lot lately. I'll keep you guys posted.

* I'm also working on a piece for my students for the End of Year Show, May 9th. That worries me as well. But again, I'm trying to stay positive and deal with all the little challenges in a creative way. If anything these two pieces have been filling me with a bit of anxiety. But hey, I suppose I have to trust in the Universe and believe that these opportunities would not be here is she did not think I was ready for them. Bigger Game, bigger challenges, bigger risks, bigger rewards....

* which brings me to Landmark. I recently finished my Self Expression and Leadership Program and now I have been given the opportunity to do the Introduction Leader Program. I'm not going to lie, I am completely torn about whether I want to embark on yet another journey with this Education. But I fear that this is something I do in my life when things get a little tough. I hide. I run. I want things to be easy. I want things to be given to me.

And this is part of my crusty, down-trodden mood right now. I've been sick with a terrible case of the flu for the past two weeks (the apex was three days in bed with the cold sweats just before the weekend) and I am totally fed up with being sick. I'm fed up with the cold, I'm tired of being tired, of feeling lonely, of being a victim. I've been on such a pity party kick, and all I want to do is be numb to everything and watch a shit load of bad television (mission accomplished). The danger right now is the constant comparing, the looking over my shoulder and seeing who had what and whose grass is greener someplace else. Suddenly Montreal seems less appealing (even though I have a lot going for me here and a lot to be grateful for). I immediately get wrapped up in my ego's constant drama and questions "why can't I be Zac Efron?" It's totally bonkers.

I'm at my wit's end. I wake up each morning totally wishing I didn't have to go to work. And I end the day completely exhausted and thankful to know that I have survived it.

If anyone out there is feeling somewhat similar I am hear to say, you're not alone. And who knows, maybe it needs to get really dark before we see the light. I wish things made more sense. Right now I feel I am barely treading water. I could use a really good laugh. Fuck this flu. I want to feel better.

Horoscope....

"When I grow up," writes Ramona McNabb, "I want to be a river." IN the coming year, that would be a worthy aspiration for you as well, Cancerian. You'd generate a flood of benefits, some unexpected, by cultivating your ability to be perfectly yourself as you flow ever onward in rhythm with the sky and earth, unimpeded by the fluctuations of light and darkness, and in love with the ceaseless movement of your own strong currents.

Rob Bresny