I would have to say that for the past month I have been feeling pretty crusty. I don't know why. I can't quite put my finger on it. There's just something not quite right. It's totally annoying too because when I look at how the month of February went, it was really pretty awesome:
* Brendan was in town. I always have a good time when he's here.
* I went to see Modeselektor at Igloofest which was cool. I always have fun at Igloofest. Scratch Bastid did a great Opening Set. I think I would go see Modeselektor again in a regular club atmosphere. I found the whole evening with the different DJs a little disjointed. But I'm glad I got to experience it.
* Definite highlight was making the trip to Ottawa with my sister to see Batsheva perform THREE at The National Arts Centre. The Company is just amazing and I always am inspired by their performances. The whole trip was quite perfect in a way. My sister and I got to hang out at the Rideau Centre for a bit. We met up with a friend and had a nice dinner at the Black Tomato before the show. We were able to catch a ten o'clock bus back to Montreal and we were back at the apartment by one thirty. Such a great day.
* I was approached by one of the Teachers at the Dance School I teach at to create a piece for an Event Showcasing New Choreographers at the end of the month. I feel honoured and a bit overwhelmed all at once. Finding the time to work with a dancer and create a piece that's fun and interesting has been on my mind a lot lately. I'll keep you guys posted.
* I'm also working on a piece for my students for the End of Year Show, May 9th. That worries me as well. But again, I'm trying to stay positive and deal with all the little challenges in a creative way. If anything these two pieces have been filling me with a bit of anxiety. But hey, I suppose I have to trust in the Universe and believe that these opportunities would not be here is she did not think I was ready for them. Bigger Game, bigger challenges, bigger risks, bigger rewards....
* which brings me to Landmark. I recently finished my Self Expression and Leadership Program and now I have been given the opportunity to do the Introduction Leader Program. I'm not going to lie, I am completely torn about whether I want to embark on yet another journey with this Education. But I fear that this is something I do in my life when things get a little tough. I hide. I run. I want things to be easy. I want things to be given to me.
And this is part of my crusty, down-trodden mood right now. I've been sick with a terrible case of the flu for the past two weeks (the apex was three days in bed with the cold sweats just before the weekend) and I am totally fed up with being sick. I'm fed up with the cold, I'm tired of being tired, of feeling lonely, of being a victim. I've been on such a pity party kick, and all I want to do is be numb to everything and watch a shit load of bad television (mission accomplished). The danger right now is the constant comparing, the looking over my shoulder and seeing who had what and whose grass is greener someplace else. Suddenly Montreal seems less appealing (even though I have a lot going for me here and a lot to be grateful for). I immediately get wrapped up in my ego's constant drama and questions "why can't I be Zac Efron?" It's totally bonkers.
I'm at my wit's end. I wake up each morning totally wishing I didn't have to go to work. And I end the day completely exhausted and thankful to know that I have survived it.
If anyone out there is feeling somewhat similar I am hear to say, you're not alone. And who knows, maybe it needs to get really dark before we see the light. I wish things made more sense. Right now I feel I am barely treading water. I could use a really good laugh. Fuck this flu. I want to feel better.
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