the what's so...

I'm kind of in a weird head space this morning. The last few nights I haven't been getting much sleep, or at least, not sleeping well. Last night, like the other night, I woke up at around 4, my eyes, puffy, my throat itchy and sneezy. I had to get up and take a Reactine and wait for it to kick in before putting myself to sleep. TV sort of sucks at 4 in the morning. It's the "House" episode you saw two days ago, random infomercials a CNN report. I'm left feeling slightly agitated and unsatisfied. Or maybe it was the Reactine?

TV does that to me these days. In fact, I barely make time for it. The minute I turn it on I feel my body drain of any energy and will power to DO

My mind is totally foggy, my body completely drained. I've reached that state where a part of me believes I should be napping or worse, completely out of commission for three days but I know if I lie down I'll just have my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, with my mind blaring ideas, usually crap ideas, in my head. So the other part just says, fuck it and I start my day, in action, doing what needs to be done. But I wonder if I'm just a walking zombie pretending to be in action.

I have so many excuses. So many stories. So many conversations. I look at other DJs, people who I believe have "made it" (what does that mean?) and my whiny inner child says, "why don't I have that? Why does he get to spin the big party in front of hundreds of people and not me?" I'm constantly on pause thinking, "when do I get to be Belle of the beats?" "When's it my turn?" "When's my Love Parade?"

Is it all delusions of grandeur? And do I walk away, deflated, tail between my legs and mixes in my DJ bag when things aren't happening the way I want it to?

Lost in emotion. It's OK to be swimming through it just so long as I know enough not to get stuck wading in there. Feeling like a failure today doesn't mean a failure for life. Doesn't mean I AM a failure. Doesn't mean anything of those things....

It means I haven't slept well in the last few days....ha ha. Jokes on me.

So what IS?...

Me and four other party enthusiasts, DJs and Electronic Music lovers started a party called The Hump.

The good news is: I love my team. I love the music that we spin (Breaks, House, Electro) and I love the vibe we are creating. The not so good news: we need more people to catch on. And I am sooooo impatient. I love how I can stay in a dysfucntional relationship for 5 years but I do 2 parties and already I'm ready to throw in the towel.

I sorta met someone
I know, it doesn't sound so convincing does it? The thing is it's new. The other thing is he lives in a different city. Also, I can't stop thinking about him. And I don't know what we are yet. So I'm excited. I haven't a clue what we're going to do. He's coming to visit next weekend.

I'm organizing an Event to Raise money for HIV/AIDS Prevention in Africa

I'm not exactly sure when I became an Event Planner but the other week I found myself in a Boardroom with three Board members talking about creating an Event for October. Ask me a year ago if I thought I would be doing that and I wouldn't have believed it.

Growing a pair
Bottom line, in spite of feeling like shit from lack of sleep or allergies or whatever, something is shifting in me. I know there are areas in my life where I am still stuck. But I see it more clearly now because I'm moving so rapidly in other ares. I'm being bold, making demands, requesting help, communicating and creating. I am creating. Creating my world, my space, my time, my life, my conversations, my vision, my love.

I've been walking around this earth, being small, secretly wanting to be an Artist (with a capital "A". Ha! What does that mean?" And as I get really present to the fact that I am creating my world, I ask myself, isn't that what being an Artist is really all about?