Wow. Too many thoughts, too many ideas, too many goals, too many dreams and wishes....where do I being? I guess I can begin with right now. There's just so many things that I have neglected, mainly this blog and just having Writing present in my life. I am so obsessed with Art and Money. If I don't see an access to money through an Art form, my brain automatically thinks, why bother? Like, if I can't make money off this blog, if this blog won't clothe me and put food on the table, then what's the reward? What's the value of it?
And that's the ugly truth about how I live my life. I live my life inside a conversation that says, "I want to be passionate about my existence. But all my passions in my life will mean I will have no money." After 33 years on this planet. I am still living in survival mode.
They're doing construction down my street. The city is making some new additions to the Museum. One morning I noticed a huge beetle, the size of my thumb, laying on the sidewalk on it's back. I was certain it was dead. I even passed by it the following day, it was still in the same state. Finally on the third day I walked down and saw it still there and much like a little kid, I examined it a little further. I flipped it over on to its beety legs and it started to move! Eventually it scurried away. I keep that moment with me because I wonder sometimes if it's like that in life. I wonder if right now, without my knowledge, I am literally on my back, stuck, waiting for someone to just flip me over.
I hate making promises. I make a promise and failure soon follows. And being a failure feels like shit no matter how big or small the promise is. But a promise can be restored. It takes a second to admit to someone, "Hey, I made a promise to you, to our friendship, I promised to pay you back....and I didn't keep that promise, and I'm sorry."
I'm not sure why I am writing that now. Maybe what I want to say to myself is, "Hey Mark, I promised to have writing be present in your life. I promised to write in this blog, to share my words with people, to express my thoughts on paper. And I failed on that promise. And I am sorry."
It's a new year. It's a new decade. I don't know what kind of miracles will be created this year, each month, each week, each day. I just pray that I stay awake enough to catch them. I'm going to be setting some big goals for myself this year. And I don't know how I'll arrive at most of them. But it's my promise to document them along the way. And it's my hope that something amazing happens....
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