Where I am...

the day I injured my knee at the Cirque du Soleil audition I came home with this.


I carry this little saying in my wallet that my sister bought for me in Australia when she first started touring with Cirque Du Soleil ten years ago. It reads: Wherever you are in this moment is exactly where you are supposed to be, no matter how things may seem to appear.

Funny how time flies when you're having fun. The summer seems to be moving in lightning speed and yet ironically I feel I have created the time to really enjoy it for once. A lot has happened since my birthday.

I auditioned for Cirque du Soleil but didn't make the final cut. It was something I half expected and to be honest it came as somewhat of a relief. It's true I may still have a semblance of a dancer body but I am not nearly as fit or as committed to dance as I used to be. I still love it. I still hope to be onstage one day. But I think the "toe shoes" are finally finding a resting place in my closet, possibly for good. In my own way I've sort of made some peace with my own limitations as a dancer. I think what's difficult at times is the fact that people are still drawn to that label and still see me as a dancer. First and foremost I've always believed that I am an Artist. A human being born to create and manifest into this world a sense of joy and inspiration. How I choose to be a creative force in this world is up to me.

Dance will never leave me. Not entirely. It's the one thing I have devoted such a significant amount of time to. I imagine it's like people who go through military training. I don't think that ever leaves you. The way I relate to people, how I view the world, how I problem solve all stems from my life as a dancer. When I DJ I dance. It's hard to imagine that I will ever stop, whether I am in Cirque du Soleil or on Broadway or not.

I just finished completing my Landmark Advanced Course. I have one more part of the curriculum to finish what Landmark calls The Curriculum for Living. I have never been to University so this is the closest thing I have to that sort of experience. I remember when I first wanted to do the Advanced course. It was still cold out and I was writing in my journal telling myself, "how am I ever going to afford this course? I have no money." And the more I kept writing these negative self-defeating comments down on paper it finally hit me. If I keep identifying myself as a broke artist, as someone who never has money to accomplish his dreams, then I will forever be the broke artist with no money who can never accomplish his dreams. And right then and there I knew it had to change. So I went home and told my sister, "Liz, you work in finance. This is how much money I make bi-weekly. I want to take this course and I want a new laptop. I want you to help me create a budget so I can do that." I put my pride aside and we came up with a plan to put my life in action. And by the time the Advanced Course came, I had my money.

I'm not going to harp on Landmark. I know the kinds of good and bad press it gets. I sometimes joke and say that Suri Cruise was our keynote speaker just to loosen the ice. The first thing I want to say is that no one needs Landmark. People lead perfectly fine lives without Landmark. It pretty much teaches what anyone with any sort of spiritual inclination already knows. If you've read Tuesdays with Morrie or A New Earth or The Four Agreements you can pretty much understand what the whole idea for The Curriculum For Living is all about. All I can say is that it's given me a greater sense of who I am and the life I wish to create. It's intense at times, it requires a lot of listening and a lot of letting go. But it's one of the best gifts I have ever given myself.

When I left New York City I didn't know what had become of me. I spent four years with a person that I loved and wanted to build a life with but found the life I was creating for myself was full of suffering and strife. I didn't like who I had become. I had lost my way. I couldn't even afford to leave New York. A friend paid for my bus ride to Montreal and another friend gave me some pocket cash. I came to Montreal totally and completed demolished. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I left everything in New York. There was no fight left in me to even discuss taking whatever I thought was rightfully mine. Sub-consciously I think I knew that the only important thing I needed was myself. And the sooner I took myself out of that environment the better off I'd be.

I think a lot of Artists can have such a debilitating view of themselves. I've been totally guilty of self-sabotage and doubt. There are still times when I DJ and think, "I am such a fake. Sooner or later people are going to realize that I have no idea what I am doing." As a DJ duo in NYC I relied on my partner on everything. He created our sound, our style. I allowed myself to be overpowered by him. He's a brilliant man and a brilliant DJ. I am totally confident that he will go far in anything he desires to do. But I never held that same kind of belief in myself.

It's been nine months since I left that world I created in NYC. And in nine months I have created a new world for myself. I gave birth to a beautiful DJ set up. It's not fancy, it has no bells and whistles but it allows me to beat match and cross fade and that, to me, means the world. My job gave me a raise to acknowledge the hard work I have done at the restaurant which I accepted graciously. And a place that I had given my Mix CD to back in the winter took another listen mid-summer and decided that I might be a good candidate for their bar after all. I've been spinning at Typhoon Lounge for over a month both on Thursdays and Saturdays. I've given myself the title of "glorified I-pod" but to be honest I really love being at Typhoon. It allows me the freedom to practice, to share my love of music and to just have fun. So I'm not a big House DJ in Ibiza yet spinning in front of thousands of people. But for the first time I truly believe that I am indeed a DJ.

when I first got here I gave my mix CD to a guy who runs one of the most succesful spaces in Montreal and he said, "I like your mix. It's a little too mellow for what we do here but it's good." Months later I started to intern for GOTSOUL, a very successful deep house label created by International DJ Jojo Flores. when they listened to the same mix they said, "We like it. You mix really well. But it's a little too hard, too commercial for what we do". And you know what? I really liked those comments because it made me realize, I might be doing something different here. Something unique. Montreal loves Electronic Music. There is a home for every genre in this city. And I am positive there will be a home for an awesome Tech-House DJ such as myself. You heard it here first people...

Guitar Heroes

The Jazz festival sort of escaped me this year. It's such a highlight in Montreal and I've had so much fun at the Festival in the past. I did manage to take in a few things sort of in passing. But I did plan on seeing one concert in advance. It was suggested that I go see a duo called Rodrigo y Gabriela and just from the description this guy gave of them I was definitely interested. Mistaya's boyfriend Fred actually worked on the Festival this year so me and Kendra were able to go for free which was awesome.

I knew a little about Rodrigo y Gabriela because I checked them out on youtube before. What I loved about the performance was that it was simple in presentation but dynamic and infectious and totally inspiring. These two people just love playing guitar, they're good at it and they want to share with the world what they're passionate about.

I loved how they weren't really playing to each other. They sat side by side most of the time but they played as individuals and yet their music was always in synch and supportive of one another. Gabriela does a lot of the bass driven, percussive rhythms and Rodrigo does incredible finger work and melodies and together they play at record breaking tempos. It's just so amazing to watch two people who are genuinely good at their craft. The energy they gave off was truly humbling. There was no bullshit to their performances. They simply came out and did a wonderful show for the audience at Place des Arts. Amazing.

The Age of Carrie

I need to start by saying that I was not looking forward to my birthday. At 32 I think you've lived long enough now to actually look back and truly digest certain moments, experiences and lessons your life. I can see the landmarks, the bumps, the scrapes, the wounds that still pulse ever so slightly at times and the scars that mark strength and bravery.

Yes I am old. It's not the old of twenty five when you say you're old, you feel but you're not really old. At 32 you feel old and are old. I wouldn't say it's depressing or anything. It's just a fact.

I've always secretly wanted to be famous. Who doesn't crave a certain need for attention? That secret longing for acknowledgment and recognition from adoring strangers. Living in New York was tough because America is so youth-obsessed. It's so easy to feel like a failure when compared to a Rihanna, a Pharell, a Mark Ronson, a MisShapes, a Heatherette, a Zac Posen, A Natalie Portman....

When Sex and The City began, Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie) was 32. For almost ten years a loyal fan base has followed every move Carrie and her friends have made. At 32 I know I'm still a work in progress and I am totally grateful for that. Goals become more nuanced, subtle. Maybe fame is not as important as happiness? My desire to "run away" aka "I really want to travel!" has been slowly replaced by a tiny wish to grow some roots somewhere. I feel more in my skin than ever, more aware of the kinks, the exhaustion but also the elation and the wonder...

I feel like I'm getting better at just sifting through the bullshit, taking what I need, laughing when I can and enjoying my friends more. Happiness is definitely more of a consistent state and not a fleeting one. Not bad as I enter the Age of Carrie...

CANCER: Part One and Two

Rob Brezsny (Astrologer extraordinaire):

Part One: How well are you capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities, Cancerian? Now that we're halfway through 2008, let's take inventory. I'm hoping that six months from now, you'll look back and make the following declaration: "This year I discovered
everything that's important for me to know about what I don't need and who I don't want to be. That's one of the important reasons why - hallelujah! - I've learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I'm more at peace with my soul's idiosyncratic destiny than I've ever been."

Part Two: Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2008, Cancerian. We're checking up on how well you're progressing with the challenges you were given near the end of last year. Here's one of the most important things I hope you're doing: getting clear about which influences in your life encourage you toward mediocrity, and which influences, on the other hand, nudge you in the direction of mastery. There's a second crucial lesson that's related to the first: getting clear about which people have low expectations and distorted images of you, and which people, on the other hand, want the best for you and see you for who you really are.

Piknic Electronik

There are just some afternoons that seem to come together almost effortlessly. You exit a metro onto a beautiful park and you follow the pretty people that are heading towards the sounds of techno beats amongst the rustling trees and giggling kids playing in manmade waterfalls. You buy yourself a vodka tonic and wait for your friend Kendra to show up on her bike. And when she does you get more drinks and lay out by the water's edge and flip through the new issue of Nylon Guys and pick out which overpriced polo tee you like the most (um Marc Jacobs: $1, 430 for a fucking pink polo?!) You dance. You laugh. You marvel at all the pretty boys and girls and families and kids and crack-heads and hippy ravers there are. You watch a looming grey cloud overhead and think it might rain but it doesn't. You imagine the cloud as a disguise for a giant UFO trying to hover across the party people below, undetected. It's a thought that makes you laugh a little. The people around you are drinking, eating crackers, dancing, rolling joints. You watch the sunset. You're picking the right moment to leave and almost instantly the DJ plays the most amzing, warped version of Madonna's "Express Yourself". You dance like a madman and mouth all the words. And then you leave, feeling ten years younger. And you wonder why everyday can't be this breezy...

Tam-Tam

Parc Mont Royal

How do I explain this. Tam Tam happens every Sunday in the summer at Parc Mont Royal. It's basically a drumming circle that takes place underneath this giant monument at the edge of the Parc. It's one of those classic ways to spend your Sundays if you're a Montrealer. It's a great way to see the cross section of people in Montreal and see what a pot pourri exists here. The sense of Style here is so distinct because it's just a mix of everything. It's not always a polished look or the most put together but it's self expressed and creative. A guy in a cowboy hat might have his shirt off but wearing army boots, tribal tats and a belt made of hemp holding up his Energie jeans. A girl will wear a tie-dye baboushka but with a metal studded collar around her neck. It's all very haphazard, bohemian and playful.



And rockers and hippies a like will all bring their drums and drum the afternoon away. And this has been going on every Sunday for as long as I can remember. People bring blankets, smoke up, drink beer, cook barbecues, bring their kids, their dogs, their cats. It's just a wonderful sight to see people spending their Sunday afternoon in the park. I know there are many parks in New York City as well. But there's something special about Montreal that I still can't quite put my finger on. It's like there's just no ulterior motive about the social community here. In New York there is almost a sense that you have to be at this or that event. You need to be scene here or watch this show or connect with these people. In Montreal it just feels like a city hanging out for the sake of hanging out. It's the good life.



But this has got to take the cake. This past Sunday I went to meet up with some friends and when I got there I gave them a call. "Yeah, we're by the sand-pit where all the medieval sword fighting is. Do you know where that is?" Um...the WHA?!

Tam Tam happens in Parc Mont Royal. And just within the trees happens the craziest shit. People are juggling, or have tied tight rope between huge trunks to practice low level tight rope walking (I'm not kidding.) But the best is the LARPS. They are Live Action Role Players who dress up and sword fight each other. There are eight year old kids with their crew fighting and there are forty-five year old men in full chain-male and pointy beards ready to do battle in Middle Earth. No doubt the LARPS take this game/sport very seriously and adhere to rules and specific combat moves. Just when you think Montreal can't get any weirder and beautiful it does. I cannot wait until the Summer official begins. Montreal is full of suprises.