Where I am...

the day I injured my knee at the Cirque du Soleil audition I came home with this.


I carry this little saying in my wallet that my sister bought for me in Australia when she first started touring with Cirque Du Soleil ten years ago. It reads: Wherever you are in this moment is exactly where you are supposed to be, no matter how things may seem to appear.

Funny how time flies when you're having fun. The summer seems to be moving in lightning speed and yet ironically I feel I have created the time to really enjoy it for once. A lot has happened since my birthday.

I auditioned for Cirque du Soleil but didn't make the final cut. It was something I half expected and to be honest it came as somewhat of a relief. It's true I may still have a semblance of a dancer body but I am not nearly as fit or as committed to dance as I used to be. I still love it. I still hope to be onstage one day. But I think the "toe shoes" are finally finding a resting place in my closet, possibly for good. In my own way I've sort of made some peace with my own limitations as a dancer. I think what's difficult at times is the fact that people are still drawn to that label and still see me as a dancer. First and foremost I've always believed that I am an Artist. A human being born to create and manifest into this world a sense of joy and inspiration. How I choose to be a creative force in this world is up to me.

Dance will never leave me. Not entirely. It's the one thing I have devoted such a significant amount of time to. I imagine it's like people who go through military training. I don't think that ever leaves you. The way I relate to people, how I view the world, how I problem solve all stems from my life as a dancer. When I DJ I dance. It's hard to imagine that I will ever stop, whether I am in Cirque du Soleil or on Broadway or not.

I just finished completing my Landmark Advanced Course. I have one more part of the curriculum to finish what Landmark calls The Curriculum for Living. I have never been to University so this is the closest thing I have to that sort of experience. I remember when I first wanted to do the Advanced course. It was still cold out and I was writing in my journal telling myself, "how am I ever going to afford this course? I have no money." And the more I kept writing these negative self-defeating comments down on paper it finally hit me. If I keep identifying myself as a broke artist, as someone who never has money to accomplish his dreams, then I will forever be the broke artist with no money who can never accomplish his dreams. And right then and there I knew it had to change. So I went home and told my sister, "Liz, you work in finance. This is how much money I make bi-weekly. I want to take this course and I want a new laptop. I want you to help me create a budget so I can do that." I put my pride aside and we came up with a plan to put my life in action. And by the time the Advanced Course came, I had my money.

I'm not going to harp on Landmark. I know the kinds of good and bad press it gets. I sometimes joke and say that Suri Cruise was our keynote speaker just to loosen the ice. The first thing I want to say is that no one needs Landmark. People lead perfectly fine lives without Landmark. It pretty much teaches what anyone with any sort of spiritual inclination already knows. If you've read Tuesdays with Morrie or A New Earth or The Four Agreements you can pretty much understand what the whole idea for The Curriculum For Living is all about. All I can say is that it's given me a greater sense of who I am and the life I wish to create. It's intense at times, it requires a lot of listening and a lot of letting go. But it's one of the best gifts I have ever given myself.

When I left New York City I didn't know what had become of me. I spent four years with a person that I loved and wanted to build a life with but found the life I was creating for myself was full of suffering and strife. I didn't like who I had become. I had lost my way. I couldn't even afford to leave New York. A friend paid for my bus ride to Montreal and another friend gave me some pocket cash. I came to Montreal totally and completed demolished. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I left everything in New York. There was no fight left in me to even discuss taking whatever I thought was rightfully mine. Sub-consciously I think I knew that the only important thing I needed was myself. And the sooner I took myself out of that environment the better off I'd be.

I think a lot of Artists can have such a debilitating view of themselves. I've been totally guilty of self-sabotage and doubt. There are still times when I DJ and think, "I am such a fake. Sooner or later people are going to realize that I have no idea what I am doing." As a DJ duo in NYC I relied on my partner on everything. He created our sound, our style. I allowed myself to be overpowered by him. He's a brilliant man and a brilliant DJ. I am totally confident that he will go far in anything he desires to do. But I never held that same kind of belief in myself.

It's been nine months since I left that world I created in NYC. And in nine months I have created a new world for myself. I gave birth to a beautiful DJ set up. It's not fancy, it has no bells and whistles but it allows me to beat match and cross fade and that, to me, means the world. My job gave me a raise to acknowledge the hard work I have done at the restaurant which I accepted graciously. And a place that I had given my Mix CD to back in the winter took another listen mid-summer and decided that I might be a good candidate for their bar after all. I've been spinning at Typhoon Lounge for over a month both on Thursdays and Saturdays. I've given myself the title of "glorified I-pod" but to be honest I really love being at Typhoon. It allows me the freedom to practice, to share my love of music and to just have fun. So I'm not a big House DJ in Ibiza yet spinning in front of thousands of people. But for the first time I truly believe that I am indeed a DJ.

when I first got here I gave my mix CD to a guy who runs one of the most succesful spaces in Montreal and he said, "I like your mix. It's a little too mellow for what we do here but it's good." Months later I started to intern for GOTSOUL, a very successful deep house label created by International DJ Jojo Flores. when they listened to the same mix they said, "We like it. You mix really well. But it's a little too hard, too commercial for what we do". And you know what? I really liked those comments because it made me realize, I might be doing something different here. Something unique. Montreal loves Electronic Music. There is a home for every genre in this city. And I am positive there will be a home for an awesome Tech-House DJ such as myself. You heard it here first people...