Divers/Cite

Montreal Pride: a little confusing.
Basically the entire month of August seems like Pride. Towards the beginning of the month are the Festivities called Divers/Cite (there's an accent on the "e" but don't know that feature on my laptop). It's a week long event celebrating diversity, particularly in the gay community, in Montreal. I assumed Divers/Cite was Montreal's Official Gay Pride but there actually is an Official Montreal Gay Pride weekend coming up which has the Parade and its own parties.

"Pierre is such a wonderful person. My sister's adore him. He was Angel on the National tour of Rent and also in Miss Saigon. When I showed him the picture of Neil Patrick Harris on the cover of OUT magazine he said, "'Oh my God, NPH. He looks so good. I should text him'. And then he did. They did Rent together in LA. I admit that I am a bit of a celebrity whore. I just think it's fierce that I know people who know famous people."

It's actually pretty cool because they close off the main street and build terraces and stages for performances. Unfortunately the weather was pretty drab this year which made it a bit lacklustre. I don't know why, but for me, it was hard to get into the spirit of things. It was yet another busy work week and I just didn't feel really pumped for pride. The great thing was my friend Pierre was in town to celebrate and the last time I saw him was early in the winter. Pierre has been living abroad teaching english in Hungary so it was nice to have him in Montreal to catch up.

"gay day in Montreal: don't forget your umbrella"

Our gay adventures were pretty tame. I kept my DJ gig at Typhoon Saturday night so the following afternoon we headed into the Village to meet up with some of Pierre's friends who were also in town celebrating. It was pretty grey out so there probably wasn't as many people walking the streets as per previous years but we headed over to the tea dance to party on the street. At the Tea Dance I saw a lot of familiar faces I couldn't seem to place. Are you from Toronto? New York? Did I see you at Stereo? So many people. The music was what was to be expected. High Energy, pumping tribal, with some diva vocals. Hands were raised in the air, cuties were gliding around in Dolce sunglasses and there were plenty of misfits to critique and judge."tea dance "
My sister, dancing amongst the 'mos.

This pretty much carried on well into the evening when Pierre and his old roommate and friend Brian (along with his partner, Martin) headed out to the D/C after party. I'll try not to bore you with too many details of the party. I'm falling asleep just thinking about what I want to write about it.

It's not that the event was terrible. It was just sort of generic (for a gay party). Firstly, the party was to have happened at Stereo but that club survived a fire about a month before Divers/Cite so they changed the venue to the Telus Theatre, which was pretty much a regular theatre with the seats taken out and everyone facing the DJ on the stage. Architecture and Design play such an important part in a really successful club experience. Friends went to the same venue for a different party a few nights earlier and their comment was, "it felt like you were dancing in the bottom of an empty pool". I couldn't have agreed more. A Theatre is a poor substitute for a Club Space. Clubs are about diversion and entertainment. Great clubs are either dark, seedy, sweaty black boxes with intense lighting or there filled with colourful corridors, dark-lit corners, seating and roped off VIP sections. Going to the bathroom, though annoying at times, is also an adventure in and of itself. Good Clubs have levels, have shape, have character. We were dancing in a pure, square space. And there was nowhere for us to hide or go but stand still and stare at the DJ.

This would have been okay had the DJs been interesting or worthy of commanding such attention. Again, they weren't bad. They did their jobs and they did them well. They played all the right tracks (I suppose) but they just didn't really build any moments that were memorable. Building a night takes control. It's about creating a vibe, an atmosphere. The few times I was fortunate to go to the Roxy in New York (I was also there for the closing) for the most part, no matter who was on the decks, at around six or seven in the morning the mood of that space became different. The music shifted slightly. It was though the night was slowly building to a high energy, tribal heavy, crescendo and then out of nowhere it slinked its way into something darker, dirtier even, and downright sexy. At the D/C after party I was kind of waiting for the moment to arrive. Perhaps I didn't wait long enough to see it happen (Pierre and I hopped into a cab at around six in the morning) but after about twenty minutes of listening to the headlining DJ I kind of felt like I knew what kind of music I was going to hear for the next three hours and I felt ready to go. It only made me even more aware of how much my priorities have changed. Yes, I still like to go out but music plays such an important part of the experience. I didn't find the music inspiring nor the crowd. Mediocre space, mediocre music, mediocre crowd (myself included). Three strikes and it was time to get out.

What really made that weekend special for me was the following night when Pierre, Brian, Martin and I went to a lovely restaurant in Old Montreal called Chez L'Epicerie. I would never consider myself a cuisinista or Foodie. I would see people all the time in New York City get all decked out for a night of eating and think to myself, "how fun could that be?" But honestly, that meal was probably the most fun I had that whole Pride weekend. The meal was fantastic, the service was prompt and our food runner was Wallpaper-magazine-cute. Yet another sign that perhaps I am getting a little older and appreciating some of the finer things in life like a great meal amongst good friends. If I had to pick between my meal at Chez L'Epicerie or the D/C After-Party as to what brought more joy and inspiration to my life, hands down: Duo seafood of Scallops and Lobster tail on a bed of diced sweet potatoes with oven-roasted cloves of garlic.
"Martin, Brian and Pierre"

Where I am...

the day I injured my knee at the Cirque du Soleil audition I came home with this.


I carry this little saying in my wallet that my sister bought for me in Australia when she first started touring with Cirque Du Soleil ten years ago. It reads: Wherever you are in this moment is exactly where you are supposed to be, no matter how things may seem to appear.

Funny how time flies when you're having fun. The summer seems to be moving in lightning speed and yet ironically I feel I have created the time to really enjoy it for once. A lot has happened since my birthday.

I auditioned for Cirque du Soleil but didn't make the final cut. It was something I half expected and to be honest it came as somewhat of a relief. It's true I may still have a semblance of a dancer body but I am not nearly as fit or as committed to dance as I used to be. I still love it. I still hope to be onstage one day. But I think the "toe shoes" are finally finding a resting place in my closet, possibly for good. In my own way I've sort of made some peace with my own limitations as a dancer. I think what's difficult at times is the fact that people are still drawn to that label and still see me as a dancer. First and foremost I've always believed that I am an Artist. A human being born to create and manifest into this world a sense of joy and inspiration. How I choose to be a creative force in this world is up to me.

Dance will never leave me. Not entirely. It's the one thing I have devoted such a significant amount of time to. I imagine it's like people who go through military training. I don't think that ever leaves you. The way I relate to people, how I view the world, how I problem solve all stems from my life as a dancer. When I DJ I dance. It's hard to imagine that I will ever stop, whether I am in Cirque du Soleil or on Broadway or not.

I just finished completing my Landmark Advanced Course. I have one more part of the curriculum to finish what Landmark calls The Curriculum for Living. I have never been to University so this is the closest thing I have to that sort of experience. I remember when I first wanted to do the Advanced course. It was still cold out and I was writing in my journal telling myself, "how am I ever going to afford this course? I have no money." And the more I kept writing these negative self-defeating comments down on paper it finally hit me. If I keep identifying myself as a broke artist, as someone who never has money to accomplish his dreams, then I will forever be the broke artist with no money who can never accomplish his dreams. And right then and there I knew it had to change. So I went home and told my sister, "Liz, you work in finance. This is how much money I make bi-weekly. I want to take this course and I want a new laptop. I want you to help me create a budget so I can do that." I put my pride aside and we came up with a plan to put my life in action. And by the time the Advanced Course came, I had my money.

I'm not going to harp on Landmark. I know the kinds of good and bad press it gets. I sometimes joke and say that Suri Cruise was our keynote speaker just to loosen the ice. The first thing I want to say is that no one needs Landmark. People lead perfectly fine lives without Landmark. It pretty much teaches what anyone with any sort of spiritual inclination already knows. If you've read Tuesdays with Morrie or A New Earth or The Four Agreements you can pretty much understand what the whole idea for The Curriculum For Living is all about. All I can say is that it's given me a greater sense of who I am and the life I wish to create. It's intense at times, it requires a lot of listening and a lot of letting go. But it's one of the best gifts I have ever given myself.

When I left New York City I didn't know what had become of me. I spent four years with a person that I loved and wanted to build a life with but found the life I was creating for myself was full of suffering and strife. I didn't like who I had become. I had lost my way. I couldn't even afford to leave New York. A friend paid for my bus ride to Montreal and another friend gave me some pocket cash. I came to Montreal totally and completed demolished. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I left everything in New York. There was no fight left in me to even discuss taking whatever I thought was rightfully mine. Sub-consciously I think I knew that the only important thing I needed was myself. And the sooner I took myself out of that environment the better off I'd be.

I think a lot of Artists can have such a debilitating view of themselves. I've been totally guilty of self-sabotage and doubt. There are still times when I DJ and think, "I am such a fake. Sooner or later people are going to realize that I have no idea what I am doing." As a DJ duo in NYC I relied on my partner on everything. He created our sound, our style. I allowed myself to be overpowered by him. He's a brilliant man and a brilliant DJ. I am totally confident that he will go far in anything he desires to do. But I never held that same kind of belief in myself.

It's been nine months since I left that world I created in NYC. And in nine months I have created a new world for myself. I gave birth to a beautiful DJ set up. It's not fancy, it has no bells and whistles but it allows me to beat match and cross fade and that, to me, means the world. My job gave me a raise to acknowledge the hard work I have done at the restaurant which I accepted graciously. And a place that I had given my Mix CD to back in the winter took another listen mid-summer and decided that I might be a good candidate for their bar after all. I've been spinning at Typhoon Lounge for over a month both on Thursdays and Saturdays. I've given myself the title of "glorified I-pod" but to be honest I really love being at Typhoon. It allows me the freedom to practice, to share my love of music and to just have fun. So I'm not a big House DJ in Ibiza yet spinning in front of thousands of people. But for the first time I truly believe that I am indeed a DJ.

when I first got here I gave my mix CD to a guy who runs one of the most succesful spaces in Montreal and he said, "I like your mix. It's a little too mellow for what we do here but it's good." Months later I started to intern for GOTSOUL, a very successful deep house label created by International DJ Jojo Flores. when they listened to the same mix they said, "We like it. You mix really well. But it's a little too hard, too commercial for what we do". And you know what? I really liked those comments because it made me realize, I might be doing something different here. Something unique. Montreal loves Electronic Music. There is a home for every genre in this city. And I am positive there will be a home for an awesome Tech-House DJ such as myself. You heard it here first people...

Guitar Heroes

The Jazz festival sort of escaped me this year. It's such a highlight in Montreal and I've had so much fun at the Festival in the past. I did manage to take in a few things sort of in passing. But I did plan on seeing one concert in advance. It was suggested that I go see a duo called Rodrigo y Gabriela and just from the description this guy gave of them I was definitely interested. Mistaya's boyfriend Fred actually worked on the Festival this year so me and Kendra were able to go for free which was awesome.

I knew a little about Rodrigo y Gabriela because I checked them out on youtube before. What I loved about the performance was that it was simple in presentation but dynamic and infectious and totally inspiring. These two people just love playing guitar, they're good at it and they want to share with the world what they're passionate about.

I loved how they weren't really playing to each other. They sat side by side most of the time but they played as individuals and yet their music was always in synch and supportive of one another. Gabriela does a lot of the bass driven, percussive rhythms and Rodrigo does incredible finger work and melodies and together they play at record breaking tempos. It's just so amazing to watch two people who are genuinely good at their craft. The energy they gave off was truly humbling. There was no bullshit to their performances. They simply came out and did a wonderful show for the audience at Place des Arts. Amazing.

The Age of Carrie

I need to start by saying that I was not looking forward to my birthday. At 32 I think you've lived long enough now to actually look back and truly digest certain moments, experiences and lessons your life. I can see the landmarks, the bumps, the scrapes, the wounds that still pulse ever so slightly at times and the scars that mark strength and bravery.

Yes I am old. It's not the old of twenty five when you say you're old, you feel but you're not really old. At 32 you feel old and are old. I wouldn't say it's depressing or anything. It's just a fact.

I've always secretly wanted to be famous. Who doesn't crave a certain need for attention? That secret longing for acknowledgment and recognition from adoring strangers. Living in New York was tough because America is so youth-obsessed. It's so easy to feel like a failure when compared to a Rihanna, a Pharell, a Mark Ronson, a MisShapes, a Heatherette, a Zac Posen, A Natalie Portman....

When Sex and The City began, Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie) was 32. For almost ten years a loyal fan base has followed every move Carrie and her friends have made. At 32 I know I'm still a work in progress and I am totally grateful for that. Goals become more nuanced, subtle. Maybe fame is not as important as happiness? My desire to "run away" aka "I really want to travel!" has been slowly replaced by a tiny wish to grow some roots somewhere. I feel more in my skin than ever, more aware of the kinks, the exhaustion but also the elation and the wonder...

I feel like I'm getting better at just sifting through the bullshit, taking what I need, laughing when I can and enjoying my friends more. Happiness is definitely more of a consistent state and not a fleeting one. Not bad as I enter the Age of Carrie...

CANCER: Part One and Two

Rob Brezsny (Astrologer extraordinaire):

Part One: How well are you capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities, Cancerian? Now that we're halfway through 2008, let's take inventory. I'm hoping that six months from now, you'll look back and make the following declaration: "This year I discovered
everything that's important for me to know about what I don't need and who I don't want to be. That's one of the important reasons why - hallelujah! - I've learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I'm more at peace with my soul's idiosyncratic destiny than I've ever been."

Part Two: Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2008, Cancerian. We're checking up on how well you're progressing with the challenges you were given near the end of last year. Here's one of the most important things I hope you're doing: getting clear about which influences in your life encourage you toward mediocrity, and which influences, on the other hand, nudge you in the direction of mastery. There's a second crucial lesson that's related to the first: getting clear about which people have low expectations and distorted images of you, and which people, on the other hand, want the best for you and see you for who you really are.