Friends: Old, New, Unexpected

We are all stars

Thank God Cam mentioned the Radiohead concert while he was cutting my hair in my apartment. For a while now I had been thinking that Radiohead is probably one of the only bands I have longed to see live but hadn't. Of course the tickets had been sold out by the time I checked their website but Cam showed me another site where my sister was able to score some tickets for us. Happy, happy, joy, joy! I love Cam. He reminds me so much of my friend Marco, who used to cut my hair in New York. I like having him over and telling stories while he cuts my hair. It's one of those simple pleasures I look forward too.

I have to say one of the highlights of last week was meeting this guy

Thursday night I got a call while I was on the phone. The ID said Brett Van Sickle, which I found somewhat surprising. I met Brett briefly on my trip to Toronto in the fall. He was dating one of my best friends at the time. Brett is a graduate of the same dance school I went to but we are of totally different generations, not to mention different stages in our careers. I was surprised because I knew he didn't know me that well so I figured it must be important. I phoned him back right away.

"Hello Brett?"

"Hi, I'm in Montreal."

"Really? Why? Are you auditioning for Les Grands? Do you need a place to stay?..."

"Yes and yes."

Brett was only here for about two days but I have to say, it was a real treat for me to open my home to a fellow dancer who needed a place to crash. We know many of the same people and it was nice to hear how everyone was doing. We talked a lot about the company, his dreams, my dreams, his goals and of course my friend and his ex, Mat. To know that we have so much in common and yet don't know each other at all created an interesting bond. We talked "ballet" and I made him point his toe (malade!). He is a really good guy and I am glad I got to know him a little better.

I also had a chance to talk with my friend Melissa who is dancing with Ballet BC. We hadn't spoken since the winter so it was nice to catch up and see how things were going out West.

So many changes...little and big. Subtle, profound, minute. Every once in a while the question pops up. "Why aren't you dancing anymore?" I always found it a little unsettling to talk about past accomplishments. Will knowing that I was in The Lion King change the way you see me? I was a ballet dancer then and a DJ there, but now I am a busboy...does that change the way you treat me? We are not our jobs.

The little secret that no one really knows is that I am doing exactly what I did as a little kid. When I was eight, I would play old records and dance in my basement. I would dance so much I would lay on the ground, exhausted. And somewhere a long the way that became a career; I got paid for it. And now I don't. Will I again? Maybe. But the truth is, I don't think I'll ever stop thinking of myself as a dancer. I love moving too much. I like the way my body feels. That's why I like clubbing so much. I just enjoy moving to music. It's funny but I don't even need to drink or party that much anymore. I just dance. And when I think I've had enough, I leave.

It's uncertain that I will ever join a professional company again. To be at that calibre and to perform at that level requires a certain amount of dedication and drive that I don't think I have anymore. Plus in certain dance communities I am deemed too old, or some too young. I have peered through that world, behind the velvet curtain and I have enjoyed what I've seen. With Dance, it's never been a straight road. The future remains a mystery.

Mad decent dancing

An Evening of Ohad Naharin


Thursday night was a bit of a big night. I was going to the ballet to watch Lenaig perform some works by the Israeli choreographer Ohad Naharin. I've been a huge fan of his work and I have many friends who have danced in his pieces. I was really hoping to bring a guy from work but was a bit disappointed that he declined my invitation. But I didn't take it too personally and decided to bring Janice instead, another co-worker, who jumped at the opportunity. I keep forgetting that some people still don't know anything about dance and are kind of afraid of it. And now like most live shows, Ballet is really expensive. Most people who might enjoy it most simply can't afford to go. Which is why I was a bit saddened by this person's response to my invitation. It could have been a surprisingly inspiring evening.

I love Ohad's pieces because they are really engaging and accessible to regular people who may not necessarily go to the ballet on a regular basis. There's such an emotional response to his work that I find exhilirating.

It was an evening of three works. I thought the company looked strong. It's really nice to be at my age to have seen so much dance that I have a more discerning eye. I have seen companies like Cedar Lake, Le Grand Theatre du Geneve, and even Ohad's own company, Batsheva Dance Company, perform his dances so it was cool to contrast and compare. Ohad likes to cut and paste different sections of dances to create new works for companies around the world so I found myself recognizing certain sections of dancing but not quite remembering where I had seen it or which company performed it.

Ohad is a master of group work, patterns and forms. His partnering and small group sections are always fluid and dynamic, he's always working from a place of total stillness to high energy, order into chaos.

Lenaig past on some fascinating information after the performance about his creative process. I marveled at how tight the group work was and Lenaig told me it was because the dancers are equipped with tiny ear pieces. While the audience is watching and listening to composed music, the dancers are onstage, moving to a completely different score. "With the lighting it is difficult to see anyone else. Sometimes all we are listening to is a metronome."

I was totally fascinated by this piece of information. When I saw Batsheva perform for a private function in New York the dancers had just gotten off a plane from Berlin. In the start of one section half the dancers calmly walked off the stage while I group of eight remained and danced a small group section. It was later brought to our attention that half the group's ear pieces weren't working so they all decided to exit, leaving the remainder to finish the movement. Ohad looked thrilled by the interesting turn of events.

"That's my biggest fear, to have the ear piece not work!" said Lenaig over a glass of wine. It blew my mind that the dancers were performing in a completely different mood to what the audience might be seeing and feeling. "What do you listen to?" I asked.

"Well, in the first piece it was Tom Waits. But it could be anything, any music. Sometimes he chooses words to move to." Fascinating.

Lenaig and Rodney, after the show


Afterwards I headed over to DL Jones's Birthday party at 1234. Diplo was spinning and I never had a chance to check him out while I was living in New York so it was a nice treat. The party was what I have come to expect from DL. Peer Pressure opened and were tight as always. The crowd was ready to get down. I have to say that even though I do find myself judging today's club fashion (sort of nineties raver 2.0. H&M meets Yellow Rat Bastard) I am glad that people are having fun with clothes again. I witnessed a lot of cool ravers slowly morph into Diesel outfits. Girls that used to wear visors and running shoes were now in heels and tight tops. Now people are getting colourful and crazy and I'm enjoy it though it does at times look like Urban Outfitters just puked everywhere.

The music too harkens back to a more raver sensibility with beats that are techno and garage driven. Diplo played a Booka Shade track which I adore and marked my exit at around two in the morning. As I was getting on my coat to leave a girl looked at me as she climbed the stairs back to the club. I winked at her and she smiled. She had on the geekiest glasses ever.

I don't speak "tree"

A friend of mine commented the other day that I need to blog more. So as part of his birthday wish I have decided to indeed, be more blog-tastic than ever before. What that means I am not entirely sure. But I anticipate more random thoughts, interesting pictures and maybe a haiku. Who knows...

I've been doing a lot of inner-traveling over the winter months here in Montreal. Along with Landmark (thanks, Fran!) and a New Earth I just don't feel like I look at things that same way. Don't get me wrong, I am so far from being spiritually enlightened and I would never dare say that I am more spiritually enlightened than someone else. That would still be egoic bullshit. But I have awoken. And it's taken almost thirty two years to get to this point. Pretty exciting.

I'm living with a martian. It's true. I'll try to explain. At the restaurant I work at there used to be a very thin, tiny tree in the front of the entrance. I wish I knew the name of the tree, maybe I'll take a picture of it and put in on the blog but I like not knowing what it's called and I'll get into that in a second. The thing was, this tree was dying. Every time I would move it, even an inch, its leaves would fall off like flakes of dandruff. Finally my manager, Julie, said, "just take it out back into the garbage."

I am no green thumb. I've killed my fair share of plants in my time, I've given them names, talk to them and watched them die a slow death feeling guilty that I was some sort of murderer. Terrible stuff. Well I couldn't just throw out this tree. After my shift, I walked up a steep incline carrying it all the way home. My sister, who I am now living with, was not too pleased to see a green living thing in her apartment.

I know nothing about gardening or maintaining plant life but I had a hunch that if I just sprayed the leaves with a water bottle the tree would like that. And it did. It does. And it's growing very well thank you.

The thing is I made two discoveries over the last few weeks which is why I think my tree is from another planet, or maybe not from another planet, but is totally mysterious to me. After reading a New Earth and watching the webcast, Eckhart Tolle remarked how in the world of form we need to categorize things and name them. But by naming these things lose some of their magic. For instance, when you are in a park and you see an oak tree it is not really an oak tree. It is called an oak tree. Humans named it that. We even named it tree. I don't know why. So now, when I look at the tree residing in my apartment, it's totally awesome and weird at the same time. Because for the first time in a long time, I am actually looking that this thing with vibrant green leaves and I haven't a clue what it is. But I'm cool with it. And in some weird way I think he's thinking the same thing too.

The other discovery was that Julie later asked me how the tree was doing and if I talk to it. I said that I did but when I thought more about it I really don't. And then it dawned on me. I don't really talk with my tree because I don't think trees speak or think in english. They think in "tree". At best, we're these two living things co-existing in the same space and twice a day I go over to it with my water bottle and maybe he says something like, "yo, thanks for the spray" and I'm like, "no worries." My tree's a martian. I'm convinced.

I love Julie because she comes up with these random gems. We have two flat screen TVs behind the bar and one time she was staring at the screen and said, "I swear to God. If you watch CNN for more than an hour you think the world is going to end." I laughed because it's so true. I look at CNN now and all I see is "News" that is formatted to look like Entertainment Tonight. The other day a friend showed me a website that makes me feel like the world is not going to end. It's a series of lectures that have been going on since 1984 called TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design). There are so many inspiring things going on in this world and it's totally worth checking out.

www.ted.com

Got Soul

It's been so long since I've "blogged" last. I feel like so much has happened, so many layers have been peeled away, so many new insights, and yet at the same time, not much at all. I've got Spring on my mind. I'm pleading for it, aching for it. It's been a very long winter.

My job as a busboy has been an amazing tool in keeping me in check and in the present moment. As I have mentioned before, my body seems to reject any kind of labour intensive work. I noticed a lot of times I would complain to others to get them enrolled in my plight and make them feel sorry for me so that I could be the martyr. But our last assignment at Landmark was to give up on complaining and every day I go to work, it is an opportunity to make that choice in my life. When I feel myself get angry or start to tense up I try to take a moment to just breathe and I say to myself, "Yes, I hear you ego, I feel you, I know you are there. But you do not overpower me. You are not me." I had an extremely difficult afternoon on Good Friday. We were short staffed and I was feeling overwhelmed as were the servers. The ego was strong that day. I even broke a few glasses by accident which I hardly ever do. But instead of going too far down that rabbit hole I tried to recognize it for what it was: my ego having a tantrum. That's all. As I was cleaning and setting tables in the front of the restaurant I noticed a little baby staring at me from over her father's shoulder. We shared a few moments together and that really helped. Babies can be extremely direct when they are looking at you.

I think one of the reasons why I was moody was because I had gone out two nights in a row. Wednesday I went to Segafredo for Sneaks, Beats and Life and I had a wonderful time with Toddy, Rita, Carla and Bic. I really wanted to give Bic my Demo because I didn't see her at Cherry on Saturday for Jojo's set but I wasn't too concerned because I knew she would be at Sneak, Beats and Life on Wednesday. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to meet the Flores's at this time in my life. Both Bic's brothers are very successful DJs and she is a successful business person running GotSoul Recordings. The DJ industry can be so competitive and what I find so refreshing about them is their generousity of spirit. There's just no bullshit with them.

Bic invited me out to Therapy at Cherry the following night and I agreed to make an appearance. I had already made a promise to myself to attend Simian Mobile Disco at Coda for the Chromeo after party but it's important to make as many connections as I can. I think some people might find it a bit strange that I go out by myself. I guess it is in some ways but I've done it for so many years now I am used to it. Sure it would be nice to have a social circle or entourage, but it doesn't always work out that the friends that are closest to me can find the time to go clubbing or want to. Perhaps it's my independent spirit, but I've never let the lack of friends stop me from going out, especially if it's a DJ I want to see or a club I want to go to. Sometimes the best dates are with yourself.

Jojo Flores didn't go on till about one but I met some new people and spoke with Bic a little bit. Like Saturday, it was a Classic House set (Jojo's forte) and I have to say as much as I like a lot of the "new sound" coming out of electronic music today, Deep House, Classic House, just feeds my soul. People tend to hold on to this notion that a DJ needs to be on the cutting edge, to inform the masses of what's hot, what's cool and that is important, that has it's place. But it's also important to really speak to people through music, to tell a story. I find Jojo Flores to be really conscious of that and I appreciate his track selections. He played Reach for Me which was great and also gave me indication that it was time to head to Coda. As of late, it's been fun experimenting with when I think it's the appropriate time to leave and the minute I feel I get the right high I step out so I can keep that feeling with me.

At quarter to two, I thought there might be a line at Coda but there wasn't so that was good. Both Cherry and Coda in terms of ambiance, clientele and music couldn't be farther from each other. Where Cherry has the Soul, Coda's got the party. The crowd is young, energetic and wild. It was very crowded and very hot. Simian Mobile Disco were just tearin' up the one's and two's and though I don't always feel included in this community, I love and appreciate their spirit. SMD played a smashing set which I only heard a portion of; right after HustlerI walked out into the cold night, but not before I heard the door guy say, "Walk down the stairs to your right, people! There's puke over there."

So work was definitely a struggle the next day but I managed to pull through, especially since Mistaya was meeting me for a quick drink afterwards. It was really nice, because I hadn't really brought in any friends to M: Brgr (truth be told, I don't have that many in Montreal). One of the things I like about my friendship with Mistaya is that it's not rooted in the past. We were classmates and we have known each other since Ballet School, but the relationship we had cultivated doesn't exist in that place. When we talk to each other it's about things that are happening now and about dreams we are in the process of accomplishing. It's inspiring.

Since it was Easter weekend the Church around the corner from where I live was doing a concert of Bach's St, Jean and I thought it would be great to hear some beautiful choral music. I wouldn't say I am a religious person, though I did attend church as a child, in part because all our relatives attended the same church and it was a great way for the family to be together once a week. I do think of myself as someone who is spiritual. What I thought would be a nice evening listening to some beautiful classical music (it truly was) turned into a family outing which was a nice surprise. I have a sneaking suspicion that my parents were just elated that all their kids actually wanted to go to Church for once. Just to give you an indication of how not religious me and my sisters are, at one point, Frances and I did the crossword and towards the end I whispered over to Liz, "I have about half an hour left in me". The Tenor had a beautiful quality to his voice and sang with only brief punctuations on the organ. I realized later that he was actually singing the scripture directly from the bible, narrating the events of the crucifixion. "Wow," I said to Fran. "It's spoken word, Bach style."

Over the weekend I thought a bit about Jesus and religion and how it fits into my life. So many people believe that just because they enter a beautiful building once a week they are more enlightened than others. What good is understanding the teachings of Christ if it's not applied in every day life? I can sense sometimes there is a disappointment in my parents that their children no longer attend church. And I cannot speak for my siblings, but I know for myself that does not mean I am not trying to cultivate deeper meaning in myself and my life. Before we headed to church that night my family had dinner at Liz's apartment. Since Mistaya had driven me home and was taking a look at where I lived she was witness to a flood of Vicente's coming through the front door. When they saw it was my friend, my parents immediately welcomed her and sat her down for dinner which was shrimp and fish with rice. That simple act of inviting my friend to dinner was truly giving and loving and Christian. And recognizing those moments as sacred are far more important to my life than attending a church.

I've got Spring on my mind

Yes folks, we made it through February. And for some reason God is determined to make Montreal a Winter wonderland. It's as though Montreal is a snow globe he is in love with and keeps shaking every two days. It's been a long winter!

I've survived another physically demanding work week. Because the weather has been changing so frequently I tend to be in a state of constant sniffling but I am determined not to be obsessed with "always feeling under the weather". After doing Landmark, I really do get the idea that what you think, you are. So a little sniffle, though uncomfortable, does not need to be over-dramatized.

The weather has altered me somewhat. It's been hard for me to accept the fact that I am in hibernation mode. Most people here are used to this weather and continue to lead active social lives. Me, I'm grateful that I get out of bed in the morning and come home from work. I know this will change once the weather has, so I am definitely looking forward to spring.

Still, there were a few things I did this winter that were pretty cool. Igloo-fest was "malade". The founders of Picnik Electronik do it every winter and it's an outdoor electronic music event that takes place in the Old Port of Montreal for two consecutive weekends. I was really impressed by it because the overall vibe was so jovial; people were really getting down to the beats of great DJs such as Ghislain Poirer. In the midst of a snowfall, he actually started playing calypso beats. I was wearing four layers of clothing just to stay warm so I couldn't decide if I thought it was torture or a stroke of genius. The crowd was loving it. A lot of people were dressed in crazy, Value-Village ski attire. The whole place was like entering a European ski-chalet meets charlie and the chocolate factory. It was an awesome sight. There were actual igloos in the front entrance and food stands in case you got hungry. As you left, security would wave goodbye, dancing to the music and would say, "see you soon!"

On Thursday I went to see James Zabiela at Tribe Hyperclub. I was really excited that this opportunity came along because I decided to cancel my trip to Toronto last minute and he was one of the reasons I wanted to go. I am working to save money for new DJ equipment and though my friends are important to me, I am really focussed on making this dream of mine a reality and that is going to take some sacrifices on my end. So when I found out that James would be spinning in Montreal before Toronto I was really happy. I was able to make some connections too and get in for free on the guestlist which probably wouldn't have happened in Toronto (another reason I am digging Montreal.) James Zabiela is a fantastic DJ. He's a technical wizard when it comes to Pioneer equipment and he's always fun to watch because he genuinely looks like he enjoys what he's doing and really smiles and connects with the clubbers. His set was what I have come to expect from James and I am happy to say that I didn't stay too long. There would have been a time I would have forced myself to keep dancing till four in the morning but my new goal is to leave while everything is still cresting. Besides things were starting to get messy already at 1:30 am and that was a turn off for me. I was reminded of something my sister pointed out to me a few weeks ago. The legal drinking age in Montreal is 18. Meaning these kids were born in 1990. I know, just take a deep breath. So James gets an A, club ambience gets a D. But what can you do.

And just to conclude on the subject of my new job, I have to say that even though it is hard work that I don't always like, I work with some of the prettiest people in Montreal. I think the staff at M Brgr is beautiful, inside and out and call me shallow, but I am totally digging the fact that I get to go into a place five days a week and be surrounded by beautiful faces and personalities.

I believe that this is a garden, and we are all flowers - from the movie "Party Girl"

Busboy Blues

It's very rare that I am up this late. Usually I am at a club or something. But tonight I find myself awake, eyes wide open at quarter to four. Perhaps it's the coca-cola I drank at 7pm, I don't know. In my "old age" my body tends to do weird things now. I need to make note of my caffeine intake after 5.

I've been thinking about my life in chapters like a never-ending novel. There are these clear chunks of time dedicated to one endeavour or another: Mark as ballet dancer (3 years), Raver-slash-Starbucks Barista (1 1/2 years), First season Stratford (9 months), Lion King (on and off, almost 3 years), Second season Stratford w/Boyfriend (another 9 months), New York City with New York boyfriend (almost 4 years).


Though I never really became a working performer in New York, that time, like my other career choices is so clearly book ended; from the time I arrived to the time I left for Montreal 5 months ago.

I'm working in a restaurant. Though I've done it a few times now this is the first time it actually feels real somehow. Before I was mainly pouring coffee between gigs (which I love but let's face it, you can't make tips pouring coffee like you can pouring Guinness), so I never really did the Service Industry thing until I got to New York.

I was really blessed because for almost the entire time I was there I worked in one restaurant, Jerry's, which used to be on Prince street between Mercer and Greene. It was a pretty famous joint for New York standards. It's location was ideal, it's been featured in several movies and TV shows, a lot of celebrities ate there.

By the time I started working there, Jerry's was a well-oiled machine. I liked the fact that people knew where to find me. Whenever my friend Melissa was rehearsing at the Joyce SoHo she would always pop in to say hello. My friend Devon would pop in so often he eventually started working there when he finally moved from Toronto. It was a very busy place at times. And after twenty years in business it finally closed. The rent increase would have been murder now that SoHo had completely transformed itself from the early eighties. It was the longest running "show" I had ever been blessed to be a part of. One day I will share some great stories.

But the real reason I am writing is that I find it ironic now that I am living in my own birthplace that I cannot find a Waitering job because of my french. People tell me that I am making excuses, that all I need is to practice and to listen to french radio and watch french TV. People think my french is better than it is because I do a very plausible french accent. I do not mean to judge myself too harshly. The truth is, I just don't think I have the vocabulary or command of the french language to communicate the way I would like as a Server. But I'll get there in time. I know that. I am not worried. I just have to be patient.

So for now I am a busboy. Something I would never consider doing in the past because it was "beneath me". In New York, I could be a server no problem. Here in my hometown, busboy. Such is life. It's frustrating at times for sure, but I have a purpose now. I am keeping my eye on the prize. I want to be DJing soon. Within the next year that will be my primary job. But I need to get some equipment first and get myself situated. So I'm putting in the time because there is a true goal in mind.

Bussing is hard. I am such a pussy. It's just so much physical labour. I really have to psyche myself up for it when I walk in to work. My first week at this new restaurant the words "I quit" were always on the tip of my tongue.

And I think about the busboys we had at Jerry's. They were all Mexican (if all Mexicans went on strike in New York I swear the City would shut down.) And now that I am in their shoes I cannot help but feel a deep respect and admiration for all that they did and still do. These men made their lives out of bussing tables in the hardest city to live in. They got married and had families. Some of them worked at Jerry's for over ten years (and here I am almost crying after two weeks.) When Jerry's closed I thought about them a lot. That restaurant gave them a steady pay cheque which they had grown accustom to. Hard, cold cash that they had on their hands after each shift. It wasn't always great money, but it was always decent. And they were able to survive and have girlfriends and wives and make babies and go to church and party. They were a part of my New York experience, my New York family. I saw them almost every day. And now that Jerry's doesn't exist and I am no longer in New York, I keep them in my thoughts. It's really tough out there, especially to find work under the table (or in my case, legally!) that will afford you a decent living. But they are a true source of inspiration now. Because I know, like myself, they are survivors.

To Berna, Manuel, Alvaro, Flavio, the kitchen staff, everyone I was lucky to work with. Good luck out there. I am thinking of you all/

Landmark-ed

I took this three-day workshop to address my issues with money. As a kid, my parents constantly fought about it. I witnessed so many fights that as a child I told myself the story that if I had a lot of money, there would be no more need to fight, ever. That being rich, meant that I was fulfilled, successful and loved.

When my parents paid for me to go to dance school in Toronto I always felt the burden that so much money was being invested into my dreams that if I didn't succeed as a dancer all that money would have been wasted.

During Landmark I realized that this story I have told myself about what it means to be fulfilled and successful is completely distorted. All this time I have been equating my self worth with my net worth.

It is my constant complaint that I do not have enough money. And yet I seem to always be sabotaging myself by continually telling myself that my dreams are always just out of reach. Even with DJing, the little voice in my head always seems to say, "Who are you kidding? You can't DJ. Everyone knows you're a fake. You're not talented."

The possibility I have invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being valuable, abundant, creatively limitless and courageous. I want to pursue my dreams regardless of what people might think or how it looks. But more importantly, I want to truly free myself from my linear, limited view of money and finally acknowledge that I am unique, original and priceless.

the past is the past. i stand in the now. the future is a blank canvas.