writing

I am on a quest to write a book about my experiences as a dancer. In some ways I had a very small and limited Professional Dance career. But it was a rich upbringing and it shapes who I am today; the way I think and the way I live my life. Because of that, I never really felt comfortable with the idea of saying that I have retired. Maybe I do not have a powerful relationship with that word "retired". There is something so final about it.

And for me, my dance career still sort of lingers in my joints and under my skin. I am so hyper aware of how my body moves, how I want my body to move, how it speaks to me through all its aches and pains. When I walk on the street or pass people through a crowded restaurant or the way I give a hug, I always feel like I am dancing in some way. Some of my friends have babies now and I am so fascinated by the way babies hear music or vibrations and how it makes their tiny bodies move. Have you ever tried to mimic how a baby moves? On a good day it's like doing a Master Modern Class. I love it.

Writing a book about growing up as a dancer is a daunting undertaking. It just opens the flood gates to a myriad of experiences, most long forgotten. It also opens the door to many questions and unsolved mysteries about Dance. and it begs the question, "what do I really want to say? What is the message? What is the tone?"

I am not a trained writer. I did not go to school for writing. I did not even go to College. I feel I am ill-equipped to do this because I do not have a piece of paper framed in my room saying that I am certified. I had a funny thought just now because because it took me one day to be a certified Zumba Instructor. That certification (along with my many years as a dancer) makes me a successful business person today. I love teaching Zumba. I was imagining what it would be like to do a one day writing workshop that,at the end of the day, I get a piece of white paper saying that I am a certified writer. wouldn't that be something? What kind of world of possibilities would I open myself up to by just allowing myself to write?

I considered myself a writer once. I was in dance school and I was having a terrible go at it. Writing was the only artistic expression at the time that I felt I had any sort of control in. I loved spending time creating worlds that spilled out of my head and onto the page. And then one day I simply stopped. Maybe dance started to pick up again and I no longer needed it. But I remember thinking that I have no more life experiences to write about (I was sixteen at the time), and until I did, I would just stop. At the age of sixteen I retired from writing.

But I always wrote. I've been writing in a journal all my life. I feel centered when I do. I feel more balanced. I was one of those people who attempted the Artist Way (great book) and I did my morning pages.

But only recently did I discover the power of using this writing tool. It's such a great way to wake up in the morning and just let go of the thoughts that creep into my mind and just fester there. Just like when my body is achy and I tend to it, I need to release my mind of things that take up good space in my brain. It's the spring cleaning of my mind.

So I am looking at the task of writing this dance book. And it appears to be a daunting project. I have used the excuse for so long that I cannot write, that I do not have a voice, that I do not have an agent or a publishing house that will reject me. Another "retired" dance friend just completed his Yoga book and he self-published it through Amazon.com. When he told me that I thought, "Well, now I am in trouble. I've run out of excuses why I cannot write!"

It's amazing the kind of limits we allow ourselves to live inside of as human beings. There is not one person that says I cannot write a book about growing up in a dance school.I have even been asked by some of my dance friends to write one. And what has really been moving for me this Summer is that I am starting to see how irresponsible that is of me. I have a desire and a deep need to express myself through Art and any means of Art available to me. And I suppress myself of this so I can be small, so I don't have to be accountable. And there's nothing wrong with that. But what if I am simply robbing myself of the experience of being alive? What's the harm of trying and failing? At least I could say I did it.

One could say I failed as a Professional Dancer. I don't see myself continuing on that path at the moment. It's not impossible but it's not where my life has taken me. And yet I can honestly look back at all I accomplished as a dancer and say to myself, "wow, I really did something there. I really saw a world I had no idea existed before."

I think it's worth writing about. It's time to honour myself as a writer again.