so many questions...

I've noticed that when I start to feel down on myself I look to others and start comparing. I can't say this is a good thing. I'm trying to keep it in check, I really am. But breaking down the ego is a really tough thing for me.

I'm so confused. I can't really decide what to do with my life. Ever since I was little I felt like it's been ingrained in me that I can only pursue one dream, one passion in my life. But what if I don't know what that one passion is? Am I destined to live my life in a constant state of not knowing? (And if so, would that be such a bad thing?)

It's such a bummer I know. And it's the start of a new year. I think I just drank and smoked too much over the weekend so it's put me in a melancholy mood.

It was such a good weekend too. Steve Aoki was at Coda. I had a great dinner with Andrea, Rodney, Marnie and Hillary and Trevor. I finally got to meet Kendra and Pierre made a surprise visit to MTL so we had a boys night out at Sky and Parking. So why do I feel so restless?

I really miss DJing. I just don't have the means or the money to really pursue it the way I would like right now. And I have to believe that eventually it will all work out in the wash. But some days, like today, it's really, really hard.

I feel like a failure in so many things. I constantly wonder if I gave up too soon. What if I tried harder? Would I still be dancing, maybe somewhere in Europe? Would I be married with a kid? Would I have a steady job? What if, what if.

No one wants to live a life of quiet desperation. No one wants to be mediocre. No one wants to live with regret. But what is life without moments of failure? Of not winning? Of wanting something so much and for some reason the Universe says, "I'm sorry, but you can't have this." What if you love Art but Art does not love you back?

I'm concerned. I wonder if the things I want in life are to feed my soul or feed my ego. Do I really want to be an Actor? A DJ? Or do I just crave attention. And if so, is that a bad thing. Should I be punished for wanting to be popular. After all this time, am I still trying to be well-liked by a bunch of people I sort of know? When do I graduate from High School?

I know deep in my soul that I will continue to write no matter what. I may never get be in a hit TV show, or spin in front of thousands of people, but I know I will always be able to find a pen and paper. I suppose this must mean it is my one true calling in life. But what the fuck does that mean anyway? Just because I like doing it and it feeds my soul it doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna feed my stomach or pay my rent. Or is that negative talk just my ego being a bitch?

So many questions and even less certainty. Some days the realm of possibilities seems so exciting and fresh. Inspiring. Tonight, not so much. But who knows. It's nothing a good night's sleep can't cure. Tomorrow's a new day. New thoughts, new failures, new dreams, new possibilities.

I know I don't know shit