I have so many emotions about this place that it makes it hard to write about it. The decision to leave was easy at the time. I was getting out of a messy break up, I had no money, I was living on the down low for almost five years and I had just lost my job. The city was eating me alive. I needed to get out and get some clarity.
New York will always be there, people say. You can always come back. But as I sit here looking out my sister's apartment window at the frozen tundra that is Montreal, I'm starting to doubt if I could do it all over again.
The thing about New York is, living there and visiting are not the same thing. She lures you in with her siren's call and arm raised high with a torch aflame, but make no mistake, she can be a bitch at times. There's the great divide between the rich, the wealthy, the nouveau-riche, the euro-trash, the trust-fund babies and the poor, the middle-class poor, the working-class poor, the really-really poor. New York is not like the movies unless you are a movie star.
I have never been more exhausted in all my life than when I was living in New York. Just a single day of waking up, getting my ass to work at my SoHo restaurant, finishing the day and getting back on the subway for my fifteen minute ride to Brooklyn kicked my ass. There were nights when I wanted to go out, but the idea of getting on that subway again was too much to bear. And even one night out in New York City will set you back a ton of cash. People get so tired in New York that sometimes the mark of true success for a New Yorker is not living there anymore.
I can't justify why anyone should live there. Not without a million bucks. And yet, I have to admit I miss it. It's fucked up, right? Is New York simply tough love or an abusive parent you keep coming back to? I can't decide which.
And yet every time I see that Chrysler building at night or think about all the times I crossed the Williamsburg Bridge onto an island of twinkling lights, I can't help but be a little homesick. Maybe that's what New York is: it's a sickening place for those who struggle. But it's also home. And there's no place quite like it.
all that glitters is not gold -Shakespeare
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1 comment:
hey sweetheart i loved this blog post. i've been feeling this way for a long time so i empathise. been in singapore for 7 years now, and often i think it's 7 years too long. and even more often i wish i was back home in melbourne.
singapore can get tiring, and it's also getting more and more expensive. it's a small place and you just run into the same people, environments, cliches everywhere you look. but it is also home.
it is a struggle for me as i've spent half my life in singapore and the other half in melbourne. so many precious moments in both cities. so how do you choose?
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